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MANY PEOPLE THINK THAT IT IS THE MAIN RESPONSIBLE OF SCHOOL FOR THE VIOLENCE AMONG STUDENTS. To what extent do you agree with this view ?

MANY PEOPLE THINK THAT IT IS THE MAIN RESPONSIBLE OF SCHOOL FOR THE VIOLENCE AMONG STUDENTS. 55N7Q
It is sometimes argued that the violence among students is the responsibility of school when this happens. I partly agree with this idea, because I assume that not only schools are responsible for the consequences of violence but also belong to other factors such as family and society. To begin with, the number of violences originally derived from conflicts among students. For examples, students could have some strong arguments on Facebook, and they tackle this one by threatening to fight with one another. What is more, the lack of perception students have about facing problems is being limited. Besides, loving at school almost has been losing student's sense of mind which causes the violences nonsense. Obviously, it is indispensable for students to understand the boundaries of risk taking in each of their behaviour, and cooperate with others to resolve conflicts. In addition, schools must play their parts in solving problems about the violence at adolescence, by implementing a range of measures to prevent students from fighting with one another. Secondly, family and society also have an impact on student’s actions and thinking about what involves fighting at their ages. For example, having a broken family is the cause of getting more psychological and behavioural problems in young people. This seems to be a longer term fear for students which is associated with boredom, depression. As a consequence, students tend to vent their outburst emotion on other students with a view to letting off steam. Besides, it is absolutely necessary for society to take ways to put the violence out of the bag such as conveying about the consequences of violence brings about. In conclusion, fighting with one another among students is an actually serious problem. Hence, I completely believe that not only the school but also students and society need to take their responsible for this problem
It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
argued that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
is the responsibility of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
when this happens. I partly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
I assume that not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
are responsible for the consequences of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
belong to other factors such as family and society.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violences
originally
derived from conflicts among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. For examples,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
could have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
strong arguments on Facebook, and they tackle this one by threatening to fight with one another.
What is more
, the lack of perception
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
have about facing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
is
being limited
.
Besides
, loving at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
almost has been losing student's sense of mind which causes the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violences
nonsense.
Obviously
, it is indispensable for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to understand the boundaries of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
taking in each of their
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
, and cooperate with others to resolve conflicts.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
play their parts in solving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
at adolescence, by implementing a range of measures to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
from fighting with one another.

Secondly
, family and society
also
have an impact on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student’s
actions and thinking about what involves fighting at their ages.
For example
, having a broken family is the cause of getting more psychological and
Possible spelling mistake. 'behavioural' is British English.
behavioural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
in young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. This seems to be a longer term fear for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
which
is associated
with boredom, depression. As a consequence,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
tend to vent their outburst emotion on other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
with a view to letting off steam.
Besides
, it is
absolutely
necessary for society to take ways to put the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
out of the bag such as conveying about the consequences of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
brings about.

In conclusion
, fighting with one another among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
is an actually serious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
.
Hence
, I completely believe that not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
and society need to take their responsible for this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
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IELTS essay MANY PEOPLE THINK THAT IT IS THE MAIN RESPONSIBLE OF SCHOOL FOR THE VIOLENCE AMONG STUDENTS.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
306 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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