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Many people spend a lot of money on clothes, haircuts, and beauty products to enhance their appearance. Some people think that it is a good way to spend money, while others think that there is a better way to spend it. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Many people spend a lot of money on clothes, haircuts, and beauty products to enhance their appearance. Some people think that it is a good way to spend money, while others think that there is a better way to spend it. 8rDP
Personality is the thing by which the person shows the attitude and thinking to the others. Therefore, a number of people invest a sum of money on their clothes, hairstyle and other items of beauty to look smart. It is thought by a stratum of people that it is a right choice to utilize money while others oppose it. I will describe both the perspectives in the subsequent paragraphs and i accord with the former statement. On the one hand, one of the major causes of spending money on clothes and beauty products is that confidence is felt by the individual by looking handsome and attractive. Moreover, most of the jobs which are professional, are mostly offered to beautiful persons rather than ugly. So, almost every individual wear formal and casual clothes with shave beard at the time of interviews. Apart from it, first impression is the last one due to which those persons who are used to go for field and market works by their companies, wear adorable clothes which make others trust worthy on him. On the other hand, plethora of people think that individuals waste their money on clothes, hairstyle and other unnecessary beauty products because they reckon that these things are useless. Furthermore, some people even though do not do any kind of job and they just pass the time by wearing different sorts of clothes and unusual hairstyles. I opine that several kind of clothes are worn on different occasion and people should the respective trend. For example, in marriage and other party functions only formal should be worn but in case of college and school function someone can wear westerns also. To conclude, beauty is the first thing which creates the image of an individual in other’s mind and hence beautiful and attractive things should be worn by every person.
Personality is the thing by which the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
the attitude and thinking to the others.
Therefore
, a number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
invest a sum of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
clothes
, hairstyle and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
items of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
beauty
to look smart. It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
by a stratum of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that it is a right choice to utilize
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
while others oppose it. I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
describe
both the perspectives in the subsequent paragraphs and
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
accord with the former statement.

On the one hand, one of the major causes of spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
clothes
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
beauty
products is that confidence
is felt
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
by looking handsome and attractive.
Moreover
, most of the jobs which are professional, are
mostly
offered to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
persons
rather
than ugly.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, almost every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
wear formal and casual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
clothes
with shave beard at the time of interviews. Apart from it,
first
impression is the last one due to which those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
persons
who are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to go for field and market works by their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
, wear adorable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
clothes
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
others trust worthy on him.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, plethora of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
waste their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
clothes
, hairstyle and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
unnecessary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
beauty
products
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they reckon that these things are useless.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
even though
do not do any kind of
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
job and
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
pass the time by wearing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
sorts of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
clothes
and unusual hairstyles.

I opine that
Possible agreement error. The noun kind seems to be countable; consider using: "several kinds".
several kind
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
clothes
are worn
on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
occasion and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should the respective trend.
For example
, in marriage and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
party functions
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
formal should
be worn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in case of college and school function someone can wear westerns
also
.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
beauty
is the
first
thing which creates the image of an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other’s
mind and
hence
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
and attractive things should
be worn
by every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
.
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IELTS essay Many people spend a lot of money on clothes, haircuts, and beauty products to enhance their appearance. Some people think that it is a good way to spend money, while others think that there is a better way to spend it.

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
306 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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