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Many people believe that social networking sites (such as facebook)have had a huge negative impact on both individuals and society? To what extent do you agree? v.3

Many people believe that social networking sites (such as facebook)have had a huge negative impact on both individuals and society? v. 3
Nowadays, beside having multiple functions and benefits, there are some people argue that social media have significant negative impact on both individual and the community the whole. Personally, I do agree with this argument because of many obvious reasons. On the one hand, social media such as Facebook or Instargram has played a vital role in communications since it was invented. It it clear that by using Facebook, people can easily keep in touch with their beloved one from long distance, not only hearing their voice, but also seeing their face. Moreover,  due to the fact that Facebook users could use the streaming live ability to connect people in different regions, some companies have taken it as a vital measure to operate online conferences between employees who are not able to present at the office. Another benefit that make social media become extremely popular is its ability of updating news continuously. Without spending too much expenditure of subscribing news or magazines, Social network users could be able to get notification about what they are interested 24 hours a day and 7 days a week by using their own mobile phone. For example, instead of buying expensive tickets to see world cup matches, the fans just need to simply stay home and get the update about the games or even watch it on-live on Facebook. On the other hand, being deeply dependent on social networking sites has many negative impact not only on a person but also on the society. Firstly, when wasting too much time on checking the updated news, the majority of youngsters have failed behind their study. There are many socialists has proved that, since the invention of Facebook, the performance of students of schools dropped dramatically. Secondly, because of the mass information in social media provided by many sources, there is an obvious high risk that vulnerable children could be affected negatively. For example, violent clips could be spread rapidly without any control and directly be seen by young children, which they might learn and copy the clip's contents. As a result, there will be no doubt about the raising of crime rate within the society in the near future. In conclusion, beside many benefits the social networks could offer, there are many serious concerns about their negative impacts on the development of an individual as well as the society.
Nowadays, beside having multiple functions and benefits, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
have significant
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on both individual and the community the whole.
Personally
, I do
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this argument
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
obvious reasons.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
such as Facebook or
Possible spelling mistake found.
Instargram
has played a vital role in communications since it
was invented
.
It seems you either mean "it is", "if it", "it" or there is a comma missing: "it, it".
It it
Did you mean "clears"?
clear
that by using Facebook,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can
easily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
in touch with their beloved one from long distance, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
hearing their voice,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
seeing their face.
Moreover
,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
due to the fact that Facebook users could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the streaming
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
ability to connect
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
regions,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
have taken it as a vital measure to operate online conferences between employees who are not able to present at the office. Another benefit that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
become
extremely
popular is its ability of updating news
continuously
. Without spending too much expenditure of subscribing news or magazines,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Social
network users could be able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
notification about what they
are interested
24 hours a day and 7 days a week by using their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
mobile phone.
For example
,
instead
of buying expensive tickets to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
world cup matches, the fans
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
need to
simply
stay home and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the update about the games or even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
it on-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
on Facebook.

On the other hand
, being
deeply
dependent on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
networking sites has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
on a person
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
on the society.
Firstly
, when wasting too much time on checking the updated news, the majority of youngsters have failed behind their study. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
socialists has proved that, since the invention of Facebook, the performance of students of schools dropped
dramatically
.
Secondly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the mass information in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
provided by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
sources, there is an obvious high
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
that vulnerable children could be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
negatively
.
For example
, violent clips could
be spread
rapidly
without any control and
directly
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
by young children, which they might learn and copy the clip's contents.
As a result
, there will be no doubt about the raising of crime rate within the society in the near future.

In conclusion
, beside
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
benefits the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
networks could offer, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
serious concerns about their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts on the development of an individual
as well
as the society.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
If we spoke a different language, we would perceive a somewhat different world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay Many people believe that social networking sites (such as facebook)have had a huge negative impact on both individuals and society? v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
393 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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