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Many people believe that family relations can be improved by cell phone. To what extend do you agree with this opinion?

Many people believe that family relations can be improved by cell phone. bxjXW
Nowadays, cell phones are smarter as they can allow us to call and see anyone's face in the world, or exploit them with some clever features. Therefore, I totally agree that family relations can be improved by cell phone for the following reasons. First, we can use cell phones to call and see our parents' faces when we live away from home. For example, many students living in rural areas choose large cities to attend university. But with a smart mobile phone, we can easily contact our parents via Facebook or Zalo, can see each other and talk to them without fear of spending money on the phone. This is a great thing, helping us to stay connected with our loved ones and share our care more often. Second, we can use the phone to learn some experiences with our parents, such as learning new baking recipes with mom and sister-in-law, learning to play an instrument with our sisters, or listening to English with our brothers. Third, we can use the phone to save family photos when traveling together. For example, An and his family went on a trip to Dalat, they took many photos with the flower garden, stream and, pagodas with their smartphone. Because of that, he and his parents can share photos with each other and review them at any time. To sum up, I fully believe that family relations can be improved by cell phones because of their convenience and intelligence. So, let's take advantage of their great functions to connect with family to create joy for everyone and ourselves.
Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
are smarter
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
as
they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
us to call and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
anyone's face in the world, or exploit them with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
clever features.
Therefore
, I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
relations can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
for the following reasons.

First
, we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
to call and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
our parents' faces when we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
away from home.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
students living in rural areas choose large cities to attend university.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
with a smart mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
, we can
easily
contact our parents via Facebook or
Possible spelling mistake found.
Zalo
, can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
each other and talk to them without fear of spending money on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
. This is a great thing, helping us to stay connected with our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
ones and share our care more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
.

Second, we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
to learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
experiences with our parents, such as learning new baking recipes with mom and sister-in-law, learning to play an instrument with our sisters, or listening to English with our brothers.

Third, we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
to save
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
photos when traveling together.
For example
, An and his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
went on a trip to
Possible spelling mistake found.
Dalat
, they took
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
photos with the flower garden, stream and, pagodas with their smartphone.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of that, he and his parents can share photos with each other and review them at any time.

To sum up, I
fully
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
relations can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their convenience and intelligence.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
's take advantage of their great functions to connect with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
to create joy for everyone and ourselves.
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IELTS essay Many people believe that family relations can be improved by cell phone.

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
264 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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