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Many people argue that pupils in school should place more emphasis on learning the history of their own community rather than the global history.

Many people argue that pupils in school should place more emphasis on learning the history of their own community rather than the global history. lR2g1
Many people argue that pupils in school should place more emphasis on learning the history of their own community rather than the global history. While I agree that finding the local history will help them gain more knowledge of their ancestors, I believe that there are some benefits to discovering about international history. On the one hand, it is true that teaching children understanding of what happened in the past at one’s locality helps them promote a sense of patriotism. For instance, students at the age of schooling in Vietnam are taught about how their forefathers defended their territory and reclaimed sovereignty. As a result, those young children would be proud of their origin and value of the life they enjoy as it is today. Furthermore, these days, with the trend towards globalisation, the cultural characteristics of each country are the features which make the distinction between nations under the universe. Therefore, I think that knowing about one’s own history is not only a privilege, but also their responsibility to grasp their hometown’s traditional culture and ethics. On the other hand, learning about world history is equally as important as local one. First and foremost, obtaining knowledge from the outside world enhances our horizons in terms of civilization and human progress. Due to a global community, more children may confront confusion and backwardness when relocating to a new country if they fail to comprehend the significance of history of the host country. In addition, personally, I believe that learning about the historical backgrounds of different nations will assist young learners in their future careers. They would possess a golden selling point/ competitive advantage when applying to international companies, particularly those who highly value corporate culture like Japan. In conclusion, I hold my firm belief that the importance of local and foreign history cannot be brought into comparison to determine which one is more necessary since they have distinctively equal meanings to students.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that pupils in school should place more emphasis on learning the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
community
rather
than the global
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
. While I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that finding the local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them gain more knowledge of their ancestors, I believe that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
benefits to discovering about international history.

On the one hand, it is true that teaching children understanding of what happened in the past at one’s locality
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them promote a sense of patriotism.
For instance
, students at the age of schooling in Vietnam
are taught
about how their forefathers defended their territory and reclaimed sovereignty.
As a result
, those young children would be proud of their origin and value of the life they enjoy as it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
.
Furthermore
, these days, with the trend towards
Possible spelling mistake. 'globalisation' is British English.
globalisation
, the cultural characteristics of each country are the features which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the distinction between nations under the universe.
Therefore
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that knowing about one’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a privilege,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
their responsibility to grasp their hometown’s traditional culture and ethics.

On the other hand
, learning about world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
is
Use either "equally" or "as" on its own. When comparing two nouns, use "just as".
equally as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
as local one.
First
and foremost, obtaining knowledge from the outside world enhances our horizons in terms of civilization and human progress. Due to a global community, more children may confront confusion and backwardness when relocating to a new country if they fail to comprehend the significance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
of the host country.
In addition
,
personally
, I believe that learning about the historical backgrounds of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
nations will assist young learners in their future careers. They would possess a golden selling point/ competitive advantage when applying to international
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
,
particularly
those who
highly
value corporate culture like Japan.

In conclusion
, I hold my firm belief that the importance of local and foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
cannot
be brought
into comparison to determine which one is more necessary since they have
distinctively
equal meanings to students.
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IELTS essay Many people argue that pupils in school should place more emphasis on learning the history of their own community rather than the global history.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
322 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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