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Many office authorities impose a restriction on smoking within the office premises. Some governments have even banned smoking in all public places. This is a good idea, but it takes away some of our freedom. What are your opinions on this?

Many office authorities impose a restriction on smoking within the office premises. Some governments have even banned smoking in all public places. This is a good idea, but it takes away some of our freedom. What are your opinions on this? X0Gw
It is widely accepted that smoking is injurious to health. Moreover, smoking can not only be deadly for first-hand smokers, but it can be hazardous for second-hand smokers. That is why, in order to respect citizens’ rights, some governments put bans on smoking in public places, but some people and NGOs believe it is against human freedom. I strongly believe the prohibition of smoking does not restrict any freedom. I will elaborate on my opinion in the following paragraphs. First of all, people can smoke in private places like home, instead of smoke in public places. It should be considered that when people smoke outside private areas, other people inhale the toxic air which could be harmful for their health. According to the data released by the World Health Organization (WHO), smoking is the biggest cause of oral and lung cancer and even second-hand smokers are equally prone to the disease. Secondly, office authorities can provide smoking cites, based on WHO standards, any designated smoking area must be outside and twenty feet away from entrances and ventilation intakes. Then, employees should be allowed to smoke in that particular rooms, several times per day. Moreover, it would benefit office managers and other non-smoking employees. It is important for first group because, if chain smokers can smoke during workdays, their productivity will not decrease. Then, it is more beneficial for passive smokers in workplaces. A university in Iran conducted an experiment on how smoking in office premises affects second-hand smokers. More than thirty companies took part in this study. They were divided into two categories. The first group included fifteen companies half of whose staffs smoked more than 3 cigarettes a day indoors; another group was the companies that half of whose staffs smoked outdoors. Eventually, Researchers found out the rate of lung cancer among non-smoker staff in the former is approximately three times less than the latter. In brief, all the aforementioned reasons lead us to the conclusion that imposing a restriction on smoking in workplaces and public zones do not against smoker’s freedom because they can smoke in private areas and particular rooms designed for smoking.
It is
widely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
is injurious to health.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
can not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be deadly for
first
-hand smokers,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it can be hazardous for second-hand smokers.
That is
why, in order to respect citizens’ rights,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
put bans on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
in public places,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and NGOs believe it is against human freedom. I
strongly
believe the prohibition of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
does not restrict any freedom. I will elaborate on my opinion in the following paragraphs.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoke
in private places like home,
instead
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoke
in public places. It should
be considered
that when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoke
outside private areas, other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
inhale the toxic air which could be harmful for their health. According to the data released by the World Health Organization (WHO),
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
is the biggest cause of oral and lung cancer and even second-hand smokers are
equally
prone to the disease.

Secondly
, office authorities can provide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
cites, based on WHO standards, any designated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
area
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be outside and twenty feet away from entrances and ventilation intakes. Then, employees should be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoke
in that particular rooms, several times per day.
Moreover
, it would benefit office managers and other non-smoking employees. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for
first
group
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, if chain smokers can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoke
during workdays, their productivity will not decrease. Then, it is more beneficial for passive smokers in workplaces. A university in Iran conducted an experiment on how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
in office premises affects second-hand smokers. More than thirty
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
took part
in this study. They
were divided
into two categories. The
first
group included fifteen
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
half of whose staffs smoked more than 3 cigarettes a day indoors; another group was the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
that half of whose staffs smoked outdoors.
Eventually
, Researchers found out the rate of lung cancer among non-smoker staff in the former is approximately three times less than the latter.

In brief
, all the aforementioned reasons lead us to the conclusion that imposing a restriction on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
in workplaces and public zones do not against smoker’s freedom
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoke
in private areas and particular rooms designed for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
.
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IELTS essay Many office authorities impose a restriction on smoking within the office premises. Some governments have even banned smoking in all public places. This is a good idea, but it takes away some of our freedom. What are your opinions on this?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
356 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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