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Many museums charge for admission while others are free. Do you think advantages of changing people for admission to museums outweigh the disadvantages? v. 141 v.31

Many museums charge for admission while others are free. Do you think advantages of changing people for admission to museums outweigh the disadvantages? v. 141 v. 31
There are certainly a number of accepted reasons to monetize museums. Meanwhile, others prefer to provide services to visitors at no cost. I personally believe that the benefits of museums being monetary for outweigh its drawbacks. These benefits are twofold. First of all, it is an indisputable fact that the maintenance cost of museums is so high, therefore tickets can be used to create income then the obtained money can be spent on preservation issues. In addition the authorities of museums can provide considerable facilities for visitors, which contribute to attracting more and more people. For instance, amounts obtained from ticket sale, can be spent on redecoration or renovation of these sites. Equally importantly, museums will have money to operate which covers their business overhead such as personnel cost, equipments, electricity and water bills. Many museums which sell tickets are better than those that do not charge for tickets in terms of places, information, and management. On the other hand, psychologically when people pay to do something, their enthusiasm grows subconsciously, so they obey the rules more seriously and feel more responsible. Admittedly, when people have to pay for entrance fee to enter many museums, this issue can lead to negative effects. In the other word, the price of tickets can bring about the detrimental impacts to educational and cultural purposes. For example, disadvantaged and poor families cannot afford such amount also students have fewer opportunities to access vitally significant places to learn history. By way of conclusion, although, I recognize that the museum ticket sales can cause deprivation for students and low-income citizens, I believe that museums should not remain free for all so as to be operated and development more effectively.
There are
certainly
a number of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
reasons to monetize
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
. Meanwhile, others prefer to provide services to visitors at no cost. I
personally
believe that the benefits of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
being monetary for outweigh its drawbacks. These benefits are twofold.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it is an indisputable fact that the maintenance cost of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
high,
therefore
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tickets
can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to create income then the obtained money can
be spent
on preservation issues. In
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
addition
the authorities of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
can provide considerable facilities for visitors, which contribute to attracting more and more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
For instance
, amounts obtained from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ticket
sale, can
be spent
on redecoration or renovation of these sites.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Equally
importantly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
will have money to operate which covers their business overhead such as personnel cost, equipments, electricity and water bills.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
which sell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tickets
are better than those that do not charge for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tickets
in terms of places, information, and management.
On the other hand
,
psychologically
when
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
pay to do something, their enthusiasm grows
subconsciously
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they obey the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
more
seriously
and feel more responsible.

Admittedly
, when
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
pay for entrance fee to enter
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
, this issue can lead to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects. In the other word, the price of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tickets
can bring about the detrimental impacts to educational and cultural purposes.
For example
, disadvantaged and poor families cannot afford such amount
also
students have fewer opportunities to access
vitally
significant places to learn history.

By way of conclusion, although, I recognize that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museum
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ticket
sales can cause deprivation for students and low-income citizens, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
should not remain free for all
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
be operated
and development more
effectively
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Many museums charge for admission while others are free. Do you think advantages of changing people for admission to museums outweigh the disadvantages? v. 141 v. 31

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
283 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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