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Many employees prefer working from home using modern technologies. However, the employers don't consider it as a benefit. Discuss both points and give your own opinion with relevant examples from your experience. v.1

Many employees prefer working from home using modern technologies. However, the employers don't consider it as a benefit. v. 1
It is a universally acknowledged fact that there is a drastic increase in the population of the world. Below deliberation will delve into some of the reasons behind this trend. I concur with people who argue that in this contemporary era, the problem of overpopulation is the biggest threat to mankind. To commence with the causes, a significant one is that there is a decline in the death rate of human being. The reason being people nowadays tend to enjoy their life and have a better standard of living which leads to stress free life, eventually a longer life span. To illustrate, people are more health conscious as compared to earlier days. Better medical facilities are provided by the authorities which will reduce the danger of people dying with fatal diseases. Another crucial reason for this rise in population is that infant mortality rates have dropped due to good education provided to women and they are very well aware of the fertility treatments and can overcome pregnancy related problems with proper guidance from gynaecologist. I believe this pressing issue is the greatest phenomenon faced by human beings. As overpopulation leads to another problem of unemployment in the developing and under developed nations. More the count of people more people need to look for jobs and for a stagnated economy, generating jobs for the youth will become a major concern. Another crucial outcome of this issue can be the shortage of resources, specifically food and water. Numerous studies have been performed which shows that poor people in third world nations are unable to earn their one time meal for a day. Due to lack of basic necessities many people suffer from malnutrition. In conclusion, Due to decrease in the death rate and mortality rate of newborns, there is an increase in count of population, however there is an urgent need to monitor and control this rise. As population increases with alarming rates, more burning issues like unemployment and scarcity of resources become a significant threat to humanity
It is a
universally
acknowledged fact that there is a drastic increase in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
of the world. Below deliberation will delve into
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
reasons behind this trend. I concur with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who argue that in this contemporary era, the problem of overpopulation is the biggest threat to mankind.

To commence with the causes, a significant one is that there is a decline in the death
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
of human being. The reason being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
nowadays tend to enjoy their life and have a better standard of living which leads to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
free life,
eventually
a longer life span. To illustrate,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are more health conscious as compared to earlier days. Better medical facilities
are provided
by the authorities which will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
dying with fatal diseases. Another crucial reason for this rise in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
is that infant mortality
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rates
have dropped due to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
education provided to
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
women and
they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
well aware of the fertility treatments and can overcome pregnancy related problems with proper guidance from
Possible spelling mistake found.
gynaecologist
.

I believe this pressing issue is the greatest phenomenon faced by human beings. As overpopulation leads to another problem of unemployment in the developing and under developed nations. More the count of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
need to look for jobs and for a stagnated economy, generating jobs for the youth will become a major concern. Another crucial outcome of this issue can be the shortage of resources,
specifically
food and water. Numerous studies have
been performed
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in third world nations are unable to earn their one time meal for a day. Due to lack of
Consider using "necessities".
basic necessities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
suffer from malnutrition.

In conclusion
, Due to decrease in the death
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
and mortality
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
of newborns, there is an increase in count of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
,
however
there is an urgent need to monitor and control this rise. As
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
increases with alarming
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rates
, more burning issues like unemployment and scarcity of resources become a significant threat to
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
humanity
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Many employees prefer working from home using modern technologies. However, the employers don't consider it as a benefit. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
335 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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