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Many criminals commit further crimes as soon as they are released from prison. What do you think are the causes of this? What effect will this have on society?

Many criminals commit further crimes as soon as they are released from prison. What do you think are the causes of this? What effect will this have on society? bYAPq
Most of prisoners commit further crimes when they are freed from jail. This essay will discuss a possible cause of this situation first. Then, It will make some projections about social effects of this situation. In the beginning, I believe that humans who commited a crime have a pure soul like other people. They can change and become better people. But, we push them to go to jail and label them as a unwanted. I think that this approach never helps them to transform. People who are in jail become more isolated and out of society and then they describe who they are as a criminal, bad person, etc. This approach will increase their dark side's voice and they will be accustomed the idea that I am a criminal. Consequently, It will be esair to commit a crime because everyone expects them to do so. For example, a man who killed someone and people pushed him to be lonely with his guilt, shame, sorrow, so on. What will we expect from him? I do not expect good things. By contrast, If we tried to remember his light side and heal him, what would to happen in the future? Which one will we choose to cultivate? Darkness or light? When it comes to effects on society, people will start to be more scared when they know about this problem. Maybe, They do not want to go out at nights. They will be more insecure to each other. People will not help strangers in case of hurting. For instance, a woman who always help homeless people will give up her efforts about it. In conclusion, we should help for those who are in jail to heal them. Otherwise all of us will not be a peaceful society, we will afraid of each other.
After 'Most of', you should use 'the' ("Most of the prisoners") or simply say "Most prisoners".
Most of prisoners
commit
further
crimes when they
are freed
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jail
. This essay will discuss a possible cause of this situation
first
. Then, It will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
projections about social effects of this situation.

In the beginning, I believe that humans
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "committed", the past tense form of the verb 'commit'?
commited
a crime have a pure soul like other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. They can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
and become better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, we push them to go to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jail
and label them as
Probably a noun is missing in this part of the sentence.
a unwanted
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that this approach never
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
them to transform.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jail
become more isolated and out of
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
society and
then they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
describe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
they are as a criminal,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
person, etc. This approach will increase their dark side's
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
voice and
they will
be accustomed
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that I am a criminal.
Consequently
, It will be
Possible spelling mistake found.
esair
to commit a crime
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
everyone
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expects
them to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
.
For example
, a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
killed someone and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
pushed him to be lonely with his guilt, shame, sorrow,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on. What will we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expect
from him? I do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expect
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
things. By contrast, If we tried to remember his light side and heal him, what would to happen in the future? Which one will we choose to cultivate? Darkness or light?

When it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to effects on society,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to be more scared when they know about this problem. Maybe, They do not want to go out at nights. They will be more insecure to each other.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
will not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
strangers in case of hurting.
For instance
, a woman
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
always
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
homeless
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will give up her efforts about it.

In conclusion
, we should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
for those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jail
to heal them.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Otherwise
all of us will not be a peaceful society, we
It seems that a verb or adverb has been misspelled or is missing here.
will afraid
of each other.
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IELTS essay Many criminals commit further crimes as soon as they are released from prison. What do you think are the causes of this? What effect will this have on society?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
301 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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