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What do you think about technology?

What do you think about technology? 15Llq
Technology will live with us, there is no way to deny it, because every day a significant number of new people in the whole world are joining online. There are two sides of sharing personal information with online. First of all, if anyone wants to have a Facebook account or wants to do online banking then he has to give his necessary personal evidence to Facebook or the bank authorities. It is a policy for them, because without that they can’t track you or know you who you are and also they can’t reach you. So if anybody needs their services he should share his information with them. But there is a other thing that concerns everyone today. Online isn't the safest option to put your personal information there, because we all know that every year many people lost their information also with money for internet hacking. Hackers are always try to hack people information and sell it to the black market. Not only hackers, rumors said that and it confirms big jaint tech companies use people's personal information for advertisement and some cases they provide it to the government. It's opposite of the law and people's freedom. So if social network companies and bank authorities can ensure that their online security is too high that can't be hacked and also they don't use people's personal information for their unnecessary needs or they won't share it with anyone, then I can say it is a positive personal development for the people who put their personal information online. Otherwise it has some negative affets that risks our personal life.
Technology will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
with us, there is no way to deny it,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
every day a significant number of new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the whole world are joining online.

There are two sides of sharing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
with online.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, if anyone wants to have a Facebook account or wants to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
banking then he
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
give his necessary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
evidence to Facebook or the bank authorities. It is a policy for them,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
without that they can’t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
track
you or know you who you are and
also
they can’t reach you.
“So if” at the beginning of a sentence requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
So if
anybody needs their services he should share his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
with them.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
there is
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
other thing that concerns everyone
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Online
isn't the safest option to put your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
there,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
we all know that every year
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
lost their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
also
with money for internet hacking. Hackers are always
Consider using a past participle here: "tried".
try
to hack
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
and sell it to the black market.

Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
hackers, rumors said that and it confirms
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
Possible spelling mistake found.
jaint
tech
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
for advertisement and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cases they provide it to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
. It's opposite of the law and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's freedom.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
if social network
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
and bank authorities can ensure that their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
security is too high that can't
be hacked
and
also
they don't
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
for their unnecessary
Use a comma before 'or' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
needs or
they won't share it with anyone, then I can say it is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
development for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who put their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Otherwise
it has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
Possible spelling mistake found.
affets
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
life.
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IELTS essay What do you think about technology?

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
268 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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