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Many countries aim to improve their living standard by economic development, but some important social values are lost as a result. Do you think the advantages of economic development outweigh the disadvantages? v.3

Many countries aim to improve their living standard by economic development, but some important social values are lost as a result. Do you think the advantages of economic development outweigh the disadvantages? v. 3
In recent times, many countries strive for economic development to raise their living standard. As a consequence, some important social values are left behind. In my opinion, the advantages of economic advancements come before the drawbacks. It is clear that development of the economy significantly improves the standard of life. Economic growth creates more jobs and reduces the proportion of unemployed, so employee’s life can get better. For example, when the garment companies are established, they hire thousands of workers. The women that have not never had a stable job before now earn a regular salary of about 5-7 million VND per month. Besides that, the social services of health care and education are enhanced by abundant tax revenues of the Government. For example, there are improvements in Vietnam now such as free treatment for children under six years of age and free a part of the drug cost for cancer patients. It is seen that when the economy grows, rapidly infrastructure and transportation development are too. So people's travel will be convenient and fast. For instance, air travel is becoming more and more popular in Vietnam due to the expansion of airports, affordable fares, and satisfactory services. Admittedly, there are a few downsides to placing too much importance on economic growth. People tend to spend less time with their family and children. As a result, children that parent's education is left behind are often psychological instability because of the impact of the external environment. For example, it is found that the percentage of minors who violate the law is increasing. Otherwise, economic development also causes negative impacts on the living environment such as air pollution, epidemics. In conclusion, the country needs to work towards economic growth to bring advantages for its nationals. However, core social values are an important element of a sustainable economy.
In recent times,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries strive for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
to raise their living standard. As a consequence,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
social values are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
behind. In my opinion, the advantages of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
advancements
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
the drawbacks.

It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
of the economy
significantly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improves
the standard of life.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Economic
growth creates more jobs and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduces
the proportion of unemployed,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
employee’s life can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
better.
For example
, when the garment
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
are established
, they hire thousands of workers. The women that have
Double negatives are discouraged in standard English. Can you reformulate this phrase or is a comma missing?
not never
had a stable job
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
earn a regular salary of about 5-7 million VND per month.
Besides
that, the social services of health care and education
are enhanced
by abundant tax revenues of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
.
For example
, there are improvements in Vietnam
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
such as free treatment for children under six years of age and free a part of the drug cost for cancer patients. It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that when the economy grows,
rapidly
infrastructure and transportation
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
are too.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's travel will be convenient and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
.
For instance
, air travel is becoming more and more popular in Vietnam due to the expansion of airports, affordable fares, and satisfactory services.

Admittedly
, there are a few downsides to placing too much importance on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
growth.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
tend to spend less time with their family and children.
As a result
, children that parent's education is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
behind are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
psychological instability
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the impact of the external environment.
For example
, it
is found
that the percentage of minors who violate the law is increasing.
Otherwise
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
also
causes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts on the living environment such as air pollution, epidemics.

In conclusion
, the country needs to work towards
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
growth to bring advantages for its nationals.
However
, core social values are an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
element of a sustainable economy.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Many countries aim to improve their living standard by economic development, but some important social values are lost as a result. Do you think the advantages of economic development outweigh the disadvantages? v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
305 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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