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Many children are encouraged by their parents to get a part time job in their free time. What are the advantages and disadvantages to children of doing so? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Many children are encouraged by their parents to get a part time job in their free time. What are the advantages and disadvantages to children of doing so? Kw0Y1
Children are encouraged to try and learn from challenges. In some parts of the world, young ones are advised to try harder in order to achieve their goals. There are merits and demerits based on the given statement and I will be discussing these points in this essay. People tend to push their children to work harder to achieve their goals or dreams. This helps children to understand the difficulty level and challenges being faced. They learn from their mistakes and try to solve in their own ways using different strategies and methods. They seek guidance from teachers and their parents. For example, children try to achieve 'Student of the year' title by working hard in academics and sports. Achieving any goal doesn't only involves hard work, but also other factors such as smart work, luck, confidence, time management skills, problem-solving skills, etc. People have a fixed mind set that working hard is the only key factor and the same is conveyed to their children. Sometimes, children get frustrated and tensed which affects their life. Children should be told that if they fail to achieve their dreams, they shouldn't get into demotivated, lose self-confidence and take major step or opt for inappropriate or illegal ways to fulfill them. For examples: In IIT entrance exams, when children fail in these exams, they usually get depressed, even after tough preparation for more than two years. Hence to sum up, children are benefitted through their hard work to achieve their dreams, by taking care of other factors as well.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
are encouraged
to
"Try and" is common in colloquial speech, but "try to" is recommended for writing.
try and
learn from challenges. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
parts of the world, young ones
are advised
to try harder in order to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
achieve
their goals. There are merits and demerits based on the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
statement and I will be discussing these points in this essay.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
tend to push their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
harder to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
achieve
their goals or dreams. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to understand the difficulty level and challenges
being faced
. They learn from their mistakes and try to solve in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
ways using
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
strategies and methods. They seek guidance from teachers and their parents.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
try to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
achieve
'Student of the year' title by working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
in academics and sports.

Achieving any goal doesn't
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
The verb 'doesn't' requires base form of this verb: "involve"
involves
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
other factors such as smart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, luck, confidence, time management
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, problem-solving
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, etc.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fixed
mind set that working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
key factor and the same
is conveyed
to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Sometimes
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
frustrated and tensed which affects their
Did you mean "lives"?
life
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
told
that if they fail to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
achieve
their dreams, they shouldn't
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
into demotivated, lose self-confidence and take major step or opt for inappropriate or illegal ways to fulfill them. For examples: In IIT entrance exams, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
fail in these exams, they
usually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
depressed, even after tough preparation for more than two years.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Hence
to sum up,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
Possible spelling mistake found.
benefitted
through their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
achieve
their dreams, by taking care of other factors
as well
.
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IELTS essay Many children are encouraged by their parents to get a part time job in their free time. What are the advantages and disadvantages to children of doing so?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
256 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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