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ln some counfries, fosf food resfouronfs ond money lo schools |o promote lheir producfs. Do posilive or negolive develoPment? supermorkefs give you lhink fhis is o

ln some counfries, fosf food resfouronfs ond money lo schools |o promote lheir producfs. Do posilive or negolive develoPment? supermorkefs give you lhink fhis is o Glp3o
ln the highly competitive era of today, marketers such as restaurants and supermarkets have realized the marketing opportunity offered by schools and so are giving money to schools. Even though the administrators of schools are using that money to raise funds for school activities, this is definitely disadvantageous for school children. To begin with, adverts of fast foods and their availability within school premises would help to develop children's taste for such foods. This can increase problems like obesity, which in turn is the root cause of many other health issues among children. As it is, children today have sedentary lifestyles, which makes it imperative that healthier food options should be made available to them. The welfare of students should be the top priority of schools and they should not fall in the bait of these companies for monetary benefits. Secondly, such commercial intrusions within the academic environment can promote consumerism. For instance, if schools promote advertisements of any products like toys or computer games from supermarkets through educational materials, billboards or school television, children would think that they have the approval of teachers and school authorities. Consequently, these vulnerable children pester their parents to buy those products, which can upset the family budget. This is a very vivid example of how commercialization of schools can promote materialism in children. Supporters of such practices claim that the money such companies give for promoting their products inside the campus, helps financially-strapped schools to buy library books or improve sports facilities. They claim that children benefit from the additional resources and facilities that schools can afford due to such funding. What they fail to see is that commercial intrusions are already present in children's lives these days and there is no scope for more. To sum up, it is definitely a negative development to use schools to advertise their products as this may lead to unhealthy eating and a materialistic attitude in children
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
ln
the
highly
competitive era of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
, marketers such as restaurants and supermarkets have realized the

marketing opportunity offered by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
are giving money to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
.
Even though
the

administrators of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
are using that money to raise funds for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
activities, this is definitely

disadvantageous for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
children.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, adverts of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
foods and their availability within
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
premises would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to develop

children's taste for such foods. This can increase problems like obesity, which in turn is the root cause of

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other health issues among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. As it is,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
have sedentary lifestyles, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
it

imperative that healthier food options should
be made
available to them. The welfare of students should

be the top priority of
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
schools and
they should not fall in the bait of these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
for monetary benefits.

Secondly
, such commercial intrusions within the academic environment can promote consumerism. For

instance, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
promote advertisements of any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
like toys or computer games from

supermarkets through educational materials, billboards or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
television,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that they

have the approval of teachers and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
authorities.
Consequently
, these vulnerable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
pester their

parents to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
, which can upset the family budget. This is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
vivid example of how

commercialization of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
can promote materialism in children.

Supporters of such practices claim that the money such
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
give for promoting their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
inside

the campus,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
financially
-strapped
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
library books or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
sports facilities. They claim

that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
benefit from the additional resources and facilities that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
can afford due to such

funding. What they fail to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
is that commercial intrusions are already present in children's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
these

days and there is no scope for more.

To sum up, it is definitely a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
to advertise their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
as this may

lead to unhealthy eating and a materialistic attitude in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
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IELTS essay ln some counfries, fosf food resfouronfs ond money lo schools |o promote lheir producfs. Do posilive or negolive develoPment? supermorkefs give you lhink fhis is o

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
320 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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