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living in the city is beneficial than living in the upcountry, to what extend do you agree ?

living in the city is beneficial than living in the upcountry, 6LAVB
There is a considerable rise in the number of people contemporary in urban areas compared to rural areas in today's society. The fact that persons believe life in the city has more advantage than the village, am of the opinion that living in remote areas provides cheaper and healthier lifestyle to people. To begin with, life in the country side offers a cheaper lifestyle in that food is locally acquired from farms and water is also freely fetched from naturally flowing rivers at no cost at all, this enables villagers to save on the cash they could have used to purchase food and water, in addition, consumption of organic food as well as fresh natural water reduces the chances of them being infected with lifestyle related illnesses such ad diabetes and high blood pressure, for example my cousin who was born and raised in the village lived a healthy normal life, later on developed diabetes after moving to a city for 10 year and only feeding on fast food, therefore living in the rural is much more beneficial to one's health and finance. As much as harboring in the upcountry is beneficial, the city not only provides readily available jobs but also a platform for interaction in the context that numerous workforce is needed in towns since most town keep on developing year after year by building and upgrading buildings and roads, learning institutions and medical centers and all these places are usually in need of a laborer in various departments and since the city is full of people from different ethnicity, they end up sharing ideas after meeting at work, for instance, I found it hard to sustain a job after graduating while in my village, on the contrary I immediately got employed month after moving to the city. In conclusion, even though it is believed by a large number of the society that life in the city has more perks than that in the upcountry, I disagree to this notion and support that people lead better and beneficial lives in the rural.
There is a considerable rise in the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
contemporary in urban areas compared to rural areas in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's society. The fact that persons believe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
in the city has more advantage than the village, am of the opinion that living in remote areas provides cheaper and healthier lifestyle to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
in the country side offers a cheaper lifestyle in that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
is
locally
acquired from farms and water is
also
freely
fetched from
naturally
flowing rivers at no cost at all, this enables villagers to save on the cash they could have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
and water,
in addition
, consumption of organic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
as well
as fresh natural water
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduces
the chances of them
being infected
with lifestyle related illnesses such ad diabetes and high blood pressure,
for example
my cousin who
was born
and raised in the village
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lived
a healthy normal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, later on developed diabetes after moving to a city for 10 year and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
feeding on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
,
therefore
living in the rural is much more beneficial to one's health and finance.

As much as harboring in the upcountry is beneficial, the city not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
provides
readily
available jobs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
a platform for interaction in the context that numerous workforce
is needed
in towns since most town
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
on developing year after year by building and upgrading buildings and roads, learning institutions and medical centers and all these places are
usually
in need of a laborer in various departments and since the city is full of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
ethnicity, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up sharing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
after meeting at work,
for instance
, I found it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to sustain a job after graduating while in my village,
on the contrary
I immediately
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
employed month after moving to the city.

In conclusion
,
even though
it
is believed
by
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
the society that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
in the city has more perks than that in the upcountry, I disagree to this notion and support that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
lead better and beneficial
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
in the rural.
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IELTS essay living in the city is beneficial than living in the upcountry,

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
344 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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