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new technology and traditional culture

new technology and traditional culture RVYMG
Since some people see that technology and culture aren’t compatible, they claim that culture and traditions would die as technology develops. Personally, I reckon that technology and culture don't contradict each other, and technology can be harnessed to serve culture spread and increase competition between nations. Firstly, in spite of the fact that modern age and old mentality isn't homogeneous, new inventions can be employed to support traditional culture. For example, many museums all around the world exploit the latest technology in order to show their history and way of living in the past. Furthermore, when technology tools are employed wisely, this facilitates the interaction between people within different area on this planet; therefore, this revives the obsolete habits to show the distinction of certain community. Secondly, due to the fact that innovation is at the highest pace when it's related to competition, societies would inevitably thrive once their individuals are loyal to their countries and connected to their traditions. In light of this, since many people have allegiance toward their nations, they would strive diligently to patent and add something new to the existing technology. Furthermore, as the discovery journey is accumulated, there is no society can develop alone unless it build on the past efforts or other countries effort. If individuals in certain community are proud of their identity, this attracts globe attention toward them and increases their admiration in others eyes. Consequently, this make their discoveries are more reputable and help plethora of companies to take their technology durably. In conclusion, although there is an explicit divergent between technology and traditions, their implicit correlation is still exist. While some think that technology development would diminish culture, I argue that the more developed technology we reach the more cohesion with our past we preserve.
Since
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
aren’t compatible, they claim that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
and traditions would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
die
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
develops.
Personally
, I reckon that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
don't contradict each other, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
can
be harnessed
to serve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
spread and increase competition between nations.

Firstly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
in spite of
the fact that modern age and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
mentality isn't homogeneous, new inventions can
be employed
to support traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
museums all around the world exploit the latest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
their history and way of living in the past.
Furthermore
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
tools
are employed
wisely
, this facilitates the interaction between
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
within
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
area on this planet;
therefore
, this revives the obsolete habits to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
the distinction of certain community.

Secondly
, due to the fact that innovation is at the highest pace when it's related to competition, societies would
inevitably
thrive once their individuals are loyal to their countries and connected to their traditions. In light of this, since
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have allegiance toward their nations, they would strive
diligently
to patent and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
something new to the existing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
.
Furthermore
, as the discovery journey
is accumulated
, there is no society can develop alone unless it
Did you mean "builds"?
build
on the past efforts or other
Possible typo: apostrophe is missing. Did you mean "countries'" or "country's"?
countries
effort. If individuals in certain community are proud of their identity, this attracts globe attention toward them and increases their admiration in others eyes.
Consequently
, this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their discoveries are more reputable and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
plethora of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
to take their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
durably
.

In conclusion
, although there is an explicit divergent between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
and traditions, their implicit correlation is
still
Consider using a past participle here: "existed".
exist
. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
development would diminish
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
, I argue that the more developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
we reach the more cohesion with our past we preserve.
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IELTS essay new technology and traditional culture

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
296 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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