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Levels of consumer debt are increasing across the world. To address this, a new compulsory subject should be introduced in secondary schools:how to manage personal finances. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Levels of consumer debt are increasing across the world. To address this, a new compulsory subject should be introduced in secondary schools: how to manage personal finances. Da1ej
The world is regularly moving towards consumer debt. So, a new compulsory subject should be added in the secondary standard so that students can manage their personal finances. I strongly agree with this decision. First of all, most students are more mature in the secondary level than the primary ones. If the students taught to be good at finance managing they will be more enriched by mind and will be able to handle more pressure situations in the near future. As the world is in the rat race students should given a proper knowledge about it. For example, in america those who can manage their personal finances are more active by mind. Secondly, these lessons will make them more perfect than ever for a competitive future. To make them compete with this fast world they will need to know the situations of finance and this will eventually help them. As a example in Japan they taught to be mannered and disciplined which makes their quality of making products better than any other nations. Finally, they will learn self management skills. It is very important to live a disciplined life such as making self managed people can change the world by their view. On the other hand, some people think these subjects should not be introduced that early and also think this is not that much necessary to be compulsory but that's not the thing which makes difference. In conclusion, students are really moving towards a fast and speedy world. To compete with this world they will have to manage their personal finances so I think it's reasonable to make them study at secondary school about this.
The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
is
regularly
moving towards consumer debt.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, a new compulsory subject should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
added
in the secondary standard
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can manage their personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
finances
. I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this decision.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are more mature in the secondary level than the primary ones. If the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
taught to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
finance
managing they will be more enriched by mind and will be able to handle more pressure situations in the near future.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
is in the rat race
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should
Did you mean "have given" or "give"?
given
a proper knowledge about it.
For example
, in
Possible spelling mistake found.
america
those who can manage their personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
finances
are more active by mind.
Secondly
, these lessons will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
them more perfect than ever for a competitive future. To
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
them compete with this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
they will need to know the situations of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
finance
and this will
eventually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them. As
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
example in Japan they taught to
be mannered
and disciplined which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
their quality of making products better than any other nations.
Finally
, they will learn self management
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a disciplined life such as making self managed
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
by their view.
On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
these subjects should not
be introduced
that early and
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
this is not that much necessary to be compulsory
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
that's not the thing which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
difference.
In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are
really
moving towards a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
and speedy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
. To compete with this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
they will
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
manage their personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
finances
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it's reasonable to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
them study at secondary school about this.
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IELTS essay Levels of consumer debt are increasing across the world. To address this, a new compulsory subject should be introduced in secondary schools: how to manage personal finances.

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
276 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
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  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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