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Learning needs time and focus. What is your opinion on employment during studies, i.e, combining education and employment?

Learning needs time and focus. What is your opinion on employment during studies, i. e, combining education and employment? 850yl
Over recent years, The phenomenon of learning and working at the same time corresponded and impacts have sparked a heated debate. Some people believe that learning and working need time and focus and cannot combine, while others believe that is essential for education fees. I opine learning and working simultaneous have tremendous benefits in personal and career growth. This essay will discuss how multitasking helps students to achieve their personal goal and accomplish employment after their studies and draws a conclusion based on the facts provided. From the student point of view, students who just focus on the eduction may get a good percentage but may not have outside world knowledge. For example, students just focus on studies may be prone and stick to only educational knowledge till academic complete, once they come out of college after graduation and attend for interviews then they need to face challenges to cooperate with knowledge. Thus, not gaining knowledge from the outside world during education will leads to unemployment. With the realm from employment, students who learn and earn during education may gain good knowledge both on studies and outside world. For instance, students who focus on both education and employment simultaneously during studies will have a great advantage with a non-employment student as they focus on a career as well as education at the same time. Therefore, students who employed during studies will be more focus on education and career. To conclude, while there are several compelling arguments on both sides I profoundly believe that combining employment during studies has more benefits than just learning.
Over recent years, The phenomenon of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
and working at the same time corresponded and impacts have sparked a heated debate.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
and working need time and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
focus
and cannot combine, while others believe
that is
essential for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
fees.

I opine
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
and working simultaneous have tremendous benefits in personal and career growth.

This essay will discuss how multitasking
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to achieve their personal goal and accomplish
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employment
after their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
and draws a conclusion based on the facts provided.

From the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
point of view,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
focus
on the
Possible spelling mistake found.
eduction
may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
percentage
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
may not have outside world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
focus
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
may be prone and stick to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
educational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
till academic complete, once they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
out of college after graduation and attend for interviews then they need to face challenges
Did you mean "cooperating"? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'challenge' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
to cooperate
with knowledge.

Thus
, not gaining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
from the outside world during
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
will
The verb 'will' requires the base form of the verb: "lead"
leads
to unemployment.

With the realm from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employment
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
learn and earn during
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
may gain
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
both on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
and outside world.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
focus
on both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employment
simultaneously
during
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
will have a great advantage with a non-employment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
as they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
focus
on a career
as well
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
at the same time.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
employed during
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
will be more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
focus
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
and career.

To conclude
, while there are several compelling arguments on both sides I
profoundly
believe that combining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employment
during
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
has more benefits than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
.
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IELTS essay Learning needs time and focus. What is your opinion on employment during studies, i. e, combining education and employment?

Essay
  American English
8 paragraphs
263 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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