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Lately people have been renouncing art in favor of science, technology and business. Why is that? How to encourage people to gravitate towards art?

Lately people have been renouncing art in favor of science, technology and business. Why is that? How to encourage people to gravitate towards art? m1R7r
There has been a burgeoning tendency of people holding craft cheap and giving their preference chiefly to the other spheres like science, technology and business, although, in fact, profession plays a significant role in the cultures of many nations. In my view, the main reason for this is Associated with the relatively bright lifestyle people nowadays boast and the vitality of the three aforementioned subjects. Having said that, there are well-grounded ways to combat this trend. To begin with, lately people have boasted more facilities, regarding the completely novel sector of the economy called service, which demands workers who specialize in business, technology and science. What is more, this part of industry supplies individuals with a wider range of jobs or even entertainment, while in the past people didn't preserve such a variety and, thus, invoked craft, as a means of filling their leisure or business itself. For example, had  one desired to fulfil their spare time in an exquisite way 500 years ago, they would resort either to painting or being painted, whereas now there are such substitutes of this as cinematography, spa resorts, clubs and so forth. Nevertheless, there are some ways to boost interest of people in the arts. Primarily, the subject has to be introduced in schools as an obligatory one, which will genuinely educate students and raise new generations of artists, who will even contribute to the economy thereafter. Not only can lessons be organized  of that sort, but also different TV programs, festivals and other general events to engage more people in the arts. For instance, there have been set up summer profession projects in the UK destined for cultivating love of this sphere. To conclude, the arts indeed gradually waste their significance in the eyes of the world's population, which, in my opinion, is entailed by the advent of the service sector of the economy and the  opportunities it provides. Nonetheless, there are some measures which, if taken, are capable of impelling interest in it.
There has been a burgeoning tendency of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
holding craft
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cheap
and giving their preference
chiefly
to the other spheres like science, technology and business, although, in fact, profession plays a significant role in the cultures of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
nations. In my view, the main reason for this
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
is


Associated with the
relatively
bright lifestyle
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
nowadays boast and the vitality of the three aforementioned subjects. Having said that, there are well-grounded ways to combat this trend.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, lately
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have boasted more facilities, regarding the completely novel sector of the economy called service, which demands workers who specialize in business, technology and science.
What is more
, this part of industry supplies individuals with a wider range of jobs or even entertainment, while in the past
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
didn't preserve such a variety and,
thus
, invoked craft, as a means of filling their leisure or business itself.
For example
, had
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
one desired to fulfil their spare time
Consider replacing "in an exquisite way" with the adverb for "exquisite"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in an exquisite way
500 years ago, they would resort either to painting or
being painted
, whereas
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
there are such substitutes of this as cinematography, spa resorts, clubs and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
forth.

Nevertheless
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
ways to boost interest of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the arts.
Primarily
, the subject
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
be introduced
in schools as an obligatory one, which will
genuinely
educate students and raise new generations of artists, who will even contribute to the economy thereafter. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
can lessons
be organized
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
of that sort,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
TV programs, festivals and other general
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
to engage more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the arts.
For instance
, there have
been set
up summer profession projects in the UK destined for cultivating
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
of this sphere.

To conclude
, the arts
indeed
gradually
waste their significance in the eyes of the world's population, which, in my opinion,
is entailed
by the advent of the service sector of the economy and the
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
opportunities it provides. Nonetheless, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
measures which, if taken, are capable of impelling interest in it.

IELTS essay Lately people have been renouncing art in favor of science, technology and business. Why is that? How to encourage people to gravitate towards art?

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
332 words
7.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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