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It is true that there has been a fundamental change in each individuals as we grow from children to adults, resulting in the change in some way of our social behavior.

It is true that there has been a fundamental change in each individuals as we grow from children to adults, resulting in the change in some way of our social behavior. eRp8O
It is true that there has been a fundamental change in each individuals as we grow from children to adults, resulting in the change in some way of our social behavior. This essay will focus on the main differences as well as whether these changes are positive or negative. To begin with, most young children liberally express themselves much more than they do as they grow older. However, when it comes to the adulthood, they seem to become introverted and hide their real feelings and doing things more deliberately. That means children always have spontaneous relationship with other people, whereas grown-ups don’t, as a proof, a group of children play together because they are having the joyfulness of doing the thing. Meanwhile, older people make friends based on a variety of reasons, such as business or at least it is beneficial for them. In my opinion, it is a good thing that adults be able to retain some childlike qualities in their social behavior. Obviously there will be some changes but it is mostly depend on outer society and their parents’ education. And I strongly believe that as people grow older, they will find out how to protect themselves and they will learn how to master new social skills. To sum up, the major difference between youths and adults is that the change in the way they response to social situation, and I think this transformation is undoubtedly fruitful for every single children.
It is true that there has been a fundamental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
change
in each
The noun should be probably in the singular form: "individual"?
individuals
as we grow from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to adults, resulting in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
change
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
way of our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
behavior. This essay will focus on the main differences
as well
as whether these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
changes
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, most young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
liberally
express themselves much more than they do as they grow older.
However
, when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to the adulthood, they seem to become introverted and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hide
their real feelings and doing things more
deliberately
. That means
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
always have spontaneous relationship with other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, whereas grown-ups don’t, as a proof, a group of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "plays"? (Some collective nouns can be treated as both singular and plural, so 'play' is not always incorrect.)
play
together
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are having the joyfulness of doing the thing. Meanwhile, older
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
friends based on a variety of reasons, such as business or at least it is beneficial for them.

In my opinion, it is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
thing that adults be able to retain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
childlike qualities in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
behavior.
Obviously
there will be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
changes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is
mostly
Consider using a past participle here: "depended".
depend
on outer society and their parents’ education. And I
strongly
believe that as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
grow older, they will find out how to protect
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
themselves and
they will learn how to master new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.

To sum up, the major difference between youths and adults is that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
change
in the way
Did you mean "they respond" or "their response"?
they response
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
situation, and I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
this transformation is
undoubtedly
fruitful for every single
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
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IELTS essay It is true that there has been a fundamental change in each individuals as we grow from children to adults, resulting in the change in some way of our social behavior.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
243 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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