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It is thought by some people that money is one of the most important sources of happines

It is thought by some people that money is one of the most important sources of happines 26ywk
It is thought by some people that money is one of the most important sources of happiness. In my opinion, Even though money is one factor that contributes to a fulfilled life, having much money by itself can not fully grant happiness. There are many other aspects of life than merely becoming rich in order to become happy. Although people need to earn fair amount of money to have the financial stability they need and support their basic needs, I disagree with the view of putting pressure on oneself to be rich to achieve happiness. Firstly, happiness comes from having close relationship with loved ones such as family and friends. If we invest most of our time on earning extra money, that valuable time will be lost. As a result such relationships will be disrupted creating regrets later in life. On the other hand, people who are focused on money take activities such as exercise and spending time with friends as wasting their time thus, this has a long term effect on their mental and physical health. Nowadays, the media portrays the idea of being rich and famous as the only source of happiness, this view has transcended in many of us affecting our day-to-day activities. I believe there are far more important things in life than just money in making someone happy. One way is to focus on one self and figure out what makes us happy. In other words, people should avoid the new trends and spend time on themselves and family. They should also invest their time on their health by maintaining healthy lifestyle In conclusion, Happiness should not be a goal we try to reach by only focusing on becoming rich. People need to focus on the smaller things along the journey of life.
It is
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thought
by
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some
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people
that
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money
is one of the most
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important
sources of
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happiness
. In my opinion,
Even though
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money
is one factor that contributes to a fulfilled
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life
, having much
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money
by itself can not
fully
grant
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happiness
. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other aspects of
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life
than
merely
becoming
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rich
in order to become happy.

Although
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people
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need
to earn
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to have the financial stability they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
and support their basic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
, I disagree with the view of putting pressure on oneself to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
to achieve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
.
Firstly
,
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happiness
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comes
from having close relationship with
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loved
ones such as family and friends. If we invest most of our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on earning extra
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money
, that valuable
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time
will
be lost
.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
a result such relationships will
be disrupted
creating regrets later in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
On the other hand
,
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people
who
are focused
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
take activities such as exercise and spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with friends as wasting their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
thus
, this has a long term effect on their mental and physical health.

Nowadays, the media portrays the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
as the
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only
source of
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happiness
, this view has transcended in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of us affecting our day-to-day activities. I believe there are far more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
things in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
in making someone happy. One way is to focus on one self and figure out what
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
us happy.
In other words
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should avoid the new trends and spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on themselves and family.

They should
also
invest their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on their health by maintaining healthy lifestyle

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Happiness
should not be a goal we try to reach by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
focusing on becoming
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to focus on the smaller things along the journey of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
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IELTS essay It is thought by some people that money is one of the most important sources of happines

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
298 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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