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It is suggested that female athletes should be paid as much as male athletes of the same sport. Do you agree or disagree?

It is suggested that female athletes should be paid as much as male athletes of the same sport. 9YDJ7
Since time immemorial, the discrepancy between pay of men and women in the sport industry is here to stay, leading to the crying out for pay rise for female athletes. From my perspective, I totally agree with the idea of striking a balance between pay for both genders in sporting for the following reasons. In the first place, the sports women deserve better wages for all of their efforts over such a long time. It seems that the career of women in sport is not potential and wide open as men but filled with discrimination, challenges and difficulties for most of the time. They are turned against and have to encounter lots of things, from social acceptance, outdated prejudices to the stereotype about their physical condition. However, despite not being supported and lacking in access to training infrastructure, the women always try their best to prove themselves capable of playing sports as well as their male counterparts. Therefore, equal pay is a recognition for their determination and dedication to the industry. In the second place, raising women’s pay in sports proves to generate financial benefits in the foreseeable future. When given equal wages, female athletes have the motivation to dedicate more and practise harder, which makes their performances more lively and entertaining. Besides, more fans, especially the females, are attracted to that kind of sports, resulting in the higher viewing time for the media and higher revenues for the organisations or the competitions. Additionally, feeling challenged because of receiving equal pay as women, the male athletes tend to focus more on their jobs and performances, contributing to greater profits for the industry. To sum up, equal pay is not only beneficial towards women but also contributes to the revenue of the sports industry in the long run.
Since
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
immemorial, the discrepancy between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pay
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
industry is here to stay, leading to the crying out for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pay
rise for female athletes. From my perspective, I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of striking a balance between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pay
for both genders in sporting for the following reasons.

In the
first
place, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
deserve better wages for all of their efforts over such a long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. It seems that the career of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
is not potential and wide open as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
filled with discrimination, challenges and difficulties for most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. They
are turned
against and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
encounter lots of things, from social acceptance, outdated prejudices to the stereotype about their physical condition.
However
, despite not
being supported
and lacking in access to training infrastructure, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
always try their best to prove themselves capable of playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
as well
as their male counterparts.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
equal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pay
is a recognition for their determination and dedication to the industry.

In the second place, raising
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pay
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
proves to generate financial benefits in the foreseeable future. When
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
equal
wages, female athletes have the motivation to dedicate more and
Possible spelling mistake. 'practise' is British English.
practise
harder, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
their performances more lively and entertaining.
Besides
, more fans,
especially
the females,
are attracted
to that kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
, resulting in the higher viewing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for the media and higher revenues for the
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
or the competitions.
Additionally
, feeling challenged
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of receiving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
equal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pay
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
, the male athletes tend to focus more on their jobs and performances, contributing to greater profits for the industry.

To sum up,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
equal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pay
is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
beneficial towards
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
contributes to the revenue of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
industry in the long run.
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IELTS essay It is suggested that female athletes should be paid as much as male athletes of the same sport.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
297 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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