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it is better for children if the whole families ( e.g aunts , uncles and grandparents ) are involved in the children's upbringing , rather than their fathers and mothers only . Do you agree or disagree with this opinion ?

it is better for children if the whole families ( e. g aunts, uncles and grandparents ) are involved in the children's upbringing, rather than their fathers and mothers only. with this opinion? MMldN
Joint and nuclear families are always subjected to debate. Several people believe that its beneficial if the joint family take responsibility in nurturing children whereas others hope that it is duty of the parents. I find validity in both opinions but personal I would like lean towards the former. This essay would delineate the idea of collective nurturing in following paragraphs. Firstly, nuclear families are failure approach since parents have no time to look after their children. However, in whole family anyone will find time to be with children even if the parents are busy. Instead of nursery and childcare options, leaving children with our own family member is great relief in terms of safety concerns. For example, there are number of abuse cases reported against childcare givers, owing to the fact, that the kid does not belong to them. I feel children will be provided the outmost care in collective nurturing. Secondly, Children who are brought-up by parents are mostly instilled on academic knowledge. Nevertheless, joint families inculcate the knowledge on sharing and values. These teachings help the children to grow as responsible individuals at the society. For example, child who is taught to share home, naturally share with others when he is older. Besides he will not be self- centered person and he will be able to empathize others. I hope these can be successfully built in children only with the help of whole family. To conclude, Collective nurturing is a blessing in disguise as it will help to save time by dividing the work for many working parents. Also, in joint family, child is introduced to discipline and values at very young age. Therefore, I strongly agree on the opinion child rearing by whole family is beneficial.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Joint
and nuclear
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
are always subjected to debate. Several
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that its beneficial if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
joint
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
take responsibility in nurturing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
whereas others hope that it is duty of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
. I find validity in both opinions
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
personal I would like lean towards the former. This essay would delineate the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of collective nurturing in following paragraphs.

Firstly
, nuclear
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
are failure approach since
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
have no time to look after their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
However
, in whole
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
anyone will find time to be with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
even if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are busy.
Instead
of nursery and childcare options, leaving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
with our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
member is great relief in terms of safety concerns.
For example
, there are number of abuse cases reported against childcare givers, owing to the fact, that the kid does not belong to them. I feel
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will
be provided
the
Possible spelling mistake found.
outmost
care in collective nurturing.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
who
are brought
-up by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are
mostly
instilled on academic knowledge.
Nevertheless
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
joint
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
inculcate the knowledge on sharing and values. These teachings
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to grow as responsible individuals at the society.
For example
, child who
is taught
to share home,
naturally
share with others when he is older.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Besides
he will not be self- centered
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
person and
he will be able to empathize others. I hope these can be
successfully
built in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of whole family.

To conclude
, Collective nurturing is a blessing in disguise as it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to save time by dividing the work for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
Also
, in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
joint
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, child
is introduced
to discipline and values at
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
young age.
Therefore
, I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
on the opinion child rearing by whole
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
is beneficial.
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IELTS essay it is better for children if the whole families ( e. g aunts, uncles and grandparents ) are involved in the children's upbringing, rather than their fathers and mothers only. with this opinion?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
290 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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