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It is a common aspiration among many young people to run their own business, rather than work for an employer. Do you think the advantages of working for yourself outweigh the drawbacks?

I find that nowadays many young people would rather start a new business than start working as an employee. This has many advantages and disadvantages however I do think that these advantages outweigh the drawbacks. In my opinion, our generation grew up with many possibilities, and the world we grew up in allowing us to make our own choices a have us choose from a whole lot of ways to work and is giving us newer opportunities our parents and grandparents didn't really have. 50% of our population, are women and they weren't allowed not only to start new businesses but work at all.  think that the main reason why young people aren't so keen on working as an employee is that they don't want to miss out on other opportunities and they find it difficult to make money for someone else and that they don't want to follow someone else's instructions. And also, having your own business can be very creative and innovative because there are many jobs that aren't even discovered yet. However, having your own business comes with many risks and is difficult to maintain but if you work hard I think it's worth taking the risk. In my surroundings I know many successful business owners so for me it's definitely a motivation to one day start my own business. It's really hard and difficult to start a new business but if you are willing to work hard and put all of your energy into it there is a high chance it'll be successful and that's why I definitely think, it's work taking the risk.
I find that nowadays
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
would
rather
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
start
a new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
start
working as an employee. This has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
advantages and disadvantages
however
I do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that these advantages outweigh the drawbacks.

In my opinion, our generation grew up with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
possibilities, and the world we grew up in allowing us to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
choices a have us choose from a
Consider using “lot”.
whole lot
of ways to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and is giving us newer opportunities our parents and grandparents didn't 
really
have. 50% of our population, are
Use a comma before ‘and’ if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
women and
they weren't 
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
start
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
businesses
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
at all.  
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter.
think
that the main reason why young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
aren't 
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
keen on working as an employee is that they don't want to miss out on other
Use a comma before ‘and’ if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
opportunities and
they find it difficult to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
money for someone else and that they don't want to follow someone else's instructions. And
also
, having your
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
can be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
creative and innovative
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
jobs that aren't even discovered
yet
.

However
, having your
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
and is difficult to maintain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
if you
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
it's worth taking the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
. In my surroundings I know
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
successful business owners
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
for me it's definitely a motivation to one day
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
start
my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
business.

It's
really
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
and difficult to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
start
a new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
if you are willing to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
and put all of your energy into it there is a high chance it'll be successful and that's why I definitely
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
, it's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
taking the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
.
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IELTS essay It is a common aspiration among many young people to run their own business, rather than work for an employer. Do you think the advantages of working for yourself outweigh the drawbacks?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
250 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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