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is it important for school students to receive education about at least one musical instrument? v.1

is it important for school students to receive education about at least one musical instrument? v. 1
Right profession selection is of high pertinence and has a great impact on your professional life success in the future. Some people opine that parents being experienced and knowledgeable should decide a career path for their children, whereas others believe that the young people should choose the profession according to their interest. This essay will discuss both the views and enumerate why young ones should be given a freedom to choose their own profession. People believe that the parents are well aware of the strength and weakness of their children. They are knowledgeable and experienced, so they can make a better selection of career for their children. For example, if a parent is aware of the fact that their child is very weak at resolving mathematical problems and they feel that their child will never be able to succeed in mathematical sciences, so they would ask the child to opt for some other available option. Also, parents can think ahead of time. For instance, a parent knows that with the growing integration of technology, robotics and AI-based studies will be most successful in the future. So they will guide their child to adopt this as a profession. Contrary to the above, some people are of the opinion that even if the child adopts a profession forcefully or under the pressure of his parents, he will never be able to succeed. The major reason being that, the young person will never develop his/her interest in that field. On the other hand, if the young people are given an authority to take decision for their professional career, they will choose it wisely and according to their passion. This is evident from a research conducted in Germany, where the researcher observed that 68% of the students who excelled in their professional career were the ones who selected their profession themselves. So it is an established fact, that when a young one is given a freedom to choose a profession, he will complete his/her education and adopt it as a professional career because of his ambition and passion for that profession, rather than because of the pressure. In conclusion, I believe that the parents should allow the young ones to take their own profession decision, however, the young one should take advice from the parents for being qualified and experienced. This essay discussed both the views and highlighted that it is necessary to leave this decision of utmost importance in the hands of the young ones.
Right
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
profession
selection is of high pertinence and has a great impact on your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
life success in the future.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
opine that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
being experienced
and knowledgeable should decide a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
path for their children, whereas others believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choose
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
profession
according to their interest. This essay will discuss both the views and enumerate why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
a freedom to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choose
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
profession.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are well aware of the strength and weakness of their children. They are knowledgeable and experienced,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a better selection of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
for their children.
For example
, if a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
is aware of the fact that their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
weak at resolving mathematical
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
problems and
they feel that their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
will never be able to succeed in mathematical sciences,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they would ask the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
to opt for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
other available option.
Also
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
ahead of time.
For instance
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
knows that with the growing integration of technology, robotics and AI-based studies will be most successful in the future.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
they will guide their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
to adopt this as a profession.

Contrary to the above,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are of the opinion that even if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
adopts a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
profession
forcefully
or under the pressure of his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
, he will never be able to succeed. The major reason being that, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
person will never develop his/her interest in that field.
On the other hand
, if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
an authority to take decision for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
, they will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choose
it
wisely
and according to their passion. This is evident from
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "research".
a research
conducted in Germany, where the researcher observed that 68% of the students who excelled in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
were the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
who selected their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
profession
themselves.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
it is
Consider using "a fact".
an established fact
, that when a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
one is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
a freedom to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choose
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
profession
, he will complete his/her education and adopt it as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of his ambition and passion for that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
profession
,
rather
than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the pressure.

In conclusion
, I believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
to take their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
profession
decision,
however
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
one should take advice from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
for
being qualified
and experienced. This essay discussed both the views and highlighted that it is necessary to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
this decision of utmost importance in the hands of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
It is astonishing how much enjoyment one can get out of a language that one understands imperfectly.
Basil Lanneau Gildersleeve

IELTS essay is it important for school students to receive education about at least one musical instrument? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
412 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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