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Increasing the age limit for new drivers will help in achieving better road safety. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Increasing the age limit for new drivers will help in achieving better road safety. v. 1
In this modern age, people are heavily involved in their work life more than ever. A survey conducted by Time of India reported that, new generation chooses to live away from their family members, hence they travel to urban cities for studies and job opportunities. I believe it to be more of a positive development, but this also has few negative aspects to it. Nowadays, young people have developed a mindset to move away from their parent to a different city to get the freedom to live their life, the way they want and hence, they choose to study or find job opportunities away from home. Consequently, this leaves them alone with no one to take care and they often feel lonely. For Instance, children who have very strict parents, often tend to apply to overseas institution for studies in order to get away from their parents. Which results in their living in a foreign country and feel homesick. On the other hand, living alone encourages people to do their household work by themselves, which help an individual to become self depended. Example, a person staying alone must do all the household work like cooking, washing dishes, clothes and taking care of his living space. Therefore, making them become self-depended. Also, while living alone a person gets his personal space to do things that he likes to do. By doing so, an individual gets to know his or her interest and can pursue it. To illustrate, If someone likes to do painting, he can pursue it in his free time, which, while living with his family, his spare time would be used by the family member in other engagements. To conclude, I believe, staying alone is a positive trend. Although, it has few negative sides to it as, this way an individual sometime may feel homesick or lonely, but he can make his own choices and use his freedom the way he wants.
In this modern age,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are
heavily
involved in their work life more than ever. A survey conducted by Time of India reported that, new generation chooses to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
away
from their family members,
hence
they travel to urban cities for studies and job opportunities. I believe it to be more of a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
this
also
has few
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
aspects to it.

Nowadays, young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have developed a mindset to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
away
from their parent to a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
city to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
get
the freedom to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
their life, the way they want and
hence
, they choose to study or find job opportunities
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
away
from home.
Consequently
, this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leaves
them
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alone
with no one to take
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
care and
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
feel lonely.
For Instance
, children who have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
strict parents,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
tend to apply to overseas institution for studies in order to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
get
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
away
from their parents. Which results in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
in a foreign country and feel homesick.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alone
encourages
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to do their household work by themselves, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
an individual to become self depended. Example, a person staying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alone
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
do all the household work like cooking, washing dishes, clothes and taking care of his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
space.
Therefore
, making them become self-depended.

Also
, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alone
a person
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gets
his personal space to do things that he likes to do. By doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, an individual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gets
to know
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
interest and can pursue it. To illustrate, If someone likes to
The usual collocation for an activity ending in "-ing" is "go" not "do" or "play." Revise: "go painting".
do painting
, he can pursue it in his free time, which, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
with his family, his spare time would be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
by the family member in other engagements.

To conclude
, I believe, staying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alone
is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
trend. Although, it has few
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
sides to it as, this way an individual sometime may feel homesick or lonely,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
he can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
choices and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
his freedom the way he wants.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
With languages, you are at home anywhere.
Edward De Waal

IELTS essay Increasing the age limit for new drivers will help in achieving better road safety. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
323 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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