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In this modern era, toddlers mostly prefer to stay at home and spend their time on playing computer games . This essay will discuss the reasons of this trend. It seems to me that it is a negative development and I will discuss this in coming crumb of my writing

In this modern era, toddlers mostly prefer to stay at home and spend their time on playing computer games. This essay will discuss the reasons of this trend. It seems to me that it is a negative development and I will discuss this in coming crumb of my writing kjeQN
To commence with, in the modern era, most of adults nowadays prefer to spending their leisure time playing games on computer. Firstly, nowadays kids have hectic schedule and they do not have enough time to go outside for playing games thats why they prefer to spending their free time playing games on computer, laptop and so on. Moreover, adults are able to fresh up their mind as they have hectic schedule and in order to operate video games they find to become relaxed and calm. On the paradoxical side, there are numerous reasons on this statement. Firstly, it has various effects on children life such as when they do not play outside games and use their spare time at home and it effects on their physical development. Apart from this, if adults do not play outdoor games then they will affected by obesity and become fat. There eye sight become weak when they spend most time on computer games and it effects on mental development. Secondly, if children spending their spare time playing online games so they do not spend time with family and friends. In conclusion, there are some reasons of this trend which i mentioned above such as hectic schedule of children. It is a negative development as it badly effects the children with multifarious problem
To commence with, in the modern era,
After 'most of', you should use 'the' ("most of the adults") or simply say "most adults".
most of adults
nowadays prefer to
Did you mean "spend"?
spending
their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
on computer.
Firstly
, nowadays kids have hectic
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
schedule and
they do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to go outside for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
Possible spelling mistake found
thats
why they prefer to
Did you mean "spend"?
spending
their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
on computer, laptop and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.
Moreover
, adults are able to fresh up their mind as they have hectic schedule and in order to operate video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
they find to become relaxed and calm. On the paradoxical side, there are numerous reasons on this statement.
Firstly
, it has various effects on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
life such as when they do not play outside
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their spare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
at home and it effects on their physical development. Apart from this, if adults do not play outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
then they will
The verb 'will' requires the base form of the verb: "affect"
affected
by obesity and become
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
. There
This word is usually spelt together: "eyesight".
eye sight
become weak when they spend most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and it effects on mental development.
Secondly
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spending their spare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they do not spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with family and friends.
In conclusion
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons of this trend which
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
mentioned above such as hectic schedule of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. It is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development as it
badly
effects the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
with multifarious
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
problem
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IELTS essay In this modern era, toddlers mostly prefer to stay at home and spend their time on playing computer games. This essay will discuss the reasons of this trend. It seems to me that it is a negative development and I will discuss this in coming crumb of my writing

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
217 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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