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In the past, shopping was a routine domestic task. Many people nowadays regard it as a hobby. To what extent do you think this is a positive trend?

In the past, shopping was a routine domestic task. Many people nowadays regard it as a hobby. RmdV
Going shopping used to be a chore, but recently it has become a leisure activity or a pleasant outing. To my mind, it is debatable whether this can be regarded as a wholly positive development. For earlier generations, buying food or consumer products involved visiting several shops, each with the same limited range on offer. Customers had less money and credit was not widely available. By contrast, shoppers nowadays can find almost anything in the supermarket or shopping mall. The comfortable environment, the variety of goods and attractions such as cafés and cinemas make spending money enjoyable. Nowadays, with many parents working full-time, families have little time together. In my experience, it is normal to see families in the local shopping mall at weekends. Undoubtedly, one of the benefits of this is that they are together as a family. Nevertheless, this is not ideal, especially if it leaves no time for other activities, such as sport. Another negative result of this change in attitudes is the effect it has on young people all over the world, who spend time in shopping malls. The reasons for this are the influence of advertising and the availability of credit cards. On the one hand, they are with friends in a safe environment, but on the other, it can tempt them to buy things they do not really need and may cause them to get into debt. Moreover, it would be better for their health if they met friends to go swimming. In conclusion I would like to suggest that although shopping now is less tedious, this is not necessarily a positive trend. It may be good for the retailers, but not for consumers if it replaces other, healthier activities. (286 words)
Going
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to be a chore,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
recently it has become a leisure activity or a pleasant outing. To my mind, it is debatable whether this can
be regarded
as a wholly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development.

For earlier generations, buying food or consumer products involved visiting several shops, each with the same limited range on offer. Customers had less money and credit was not
widely
available. By contrast, shoppers nowadays can find almost anything in the supermarket or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
mall. The comfortable environment, the variety of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
and attractions such as cafés and cinemas
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
spending money enjoyable. Nowadays, with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
parents working full-time, families have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
time together. In my experience, it is normal to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
families in the local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
mall at weekends.
Undoubtedly
, one of the benefits of this is that they are together as a family.
Nevertheless
, this is not ideal,
especially
if it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leaves
no time for other activities, such as sport.

Another
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
result of this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
in attitudes is the effect it has on young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
all over the world, who spend time in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
malls. The reasons for this are the influence of advertising and the availability of credit cards. On the one hand, they are with friends in a safe environment,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
on the other, it can tempt them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
things they do not
really
need and may cause them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
into debt.
Moreover
, it would be better for their health if they met friends to go swimming.

In
The comma is probably missing here: "conclusion, I".
conclusion I
would like to suggest that although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
is less tedious, this is not
necessarily
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
trend. It may be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for the retailers,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not for consumers if it replaces other, healthier activities.

(286 words)

IELTS essay In the past, shopping was a routine domestic task. Many people nowadays regard it as a hobby.

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
287 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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