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In the modern world, it is possible to shop, work and communicate with people via the Internet and live without any face-to-face contact with others. Is it a positive or negative development?

In the modern world, it is possible to shop, work and communicate with people via the Internet and live without any face-to-face contact with others. Is it a positive or negative development? VOL3
Nowadays, due to the advanced technology, we can easily try numerous activities, and purchase various products online. While, some people argue that there are numerous drawbacks to this development, others believe that there are far more benefits. This essay will discuss this issue from both perspectives and I will draw my conclusion. On the one hand, there are some grounds to support the view that increasing demand for online shopping is concerning. To begin with, more and more people are isolating themselves from the society. In other words, an increasing number of people are staying at home, and there is no social interaction with their friends and family. In fact, many experts suggest that one of the main reasons for a rise of patients with depression is the Internet, as the internet cuts off the social connections. Thus, the merge of the internet might cause mental issues for some people. On the other hand, I am of the opinion that this trend benefits us in numerous ways. First of all, people can easily access useful contents via the Internet. To elaborate, people can watch various documentaries and academic videos to support their study and revision. For instance, due to national lockdown, students and teachers can have online lessons using applications on the Internet. As a result, with various online contents being provided, young adults who are involved in education programs will benefit from this development. In addition, the Internet provides various opportunities for some companies. These Days, it is a common way to communicate with buyers from different countries through online applications such as Zoom. This allows some companies to expand their business in other nations, increasing their profit. In the end, it is likely to benefit some people as their income is also going to increase. To conclude, we should not ignore the disadvantages of this issue. However, from my perspective, I believe that the advantages are much more significant than the demerits.
Nowadays, due to the advanced technology, we can
easily
try numerous activities, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
various
products
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
. While,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue that there are numerous drawbacks to this development, others believe that there are far more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefits
. This essay will discuss this issue from both perspectives and I will draw my conclusion.

On the one hand, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
grounds to support the view that increasing demand for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
shopping
The verb 'concerning' is a stative verb and sometimes the progressive form is not correct. Try a simple form instead.
is concerning
. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, more and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are isolating themselves from the society. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, an increasing number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are staying at home, and there is no social interaction with their friends and family. In fact,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
experts suggest that one of the main reasons for a rise of patients with depression is the Internet, as the internet
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cuts
off the social connections.
Thus
, the merge of the internet might cause mental issues for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, I am of the opinion that this trend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefits
us in numerous ways.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
easily
access useful contents via the Internet. To elaborate,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
various
documentaries and academic videos to support their study and revision.
For instance
, due to national lockdown, students and teachers can have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
lessons using applications on the Internet.
As a result
, with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
contents
being provided
, young adults who
are involved
in education programs will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefit
from this development.
In addition
, the Internet provides
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
various
opportunities for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
. These Days, it is a common way to communicate with buyers from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
countries through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
applications such as Zoom. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
to expand their business in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
nations, increasing their profit. In the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
, it is likely to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefit
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
as their income is
also
going to increase.

To conclude
, we should not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
the disadvantages of this issue.
However
, from my perspective, I believe that the advantages are much more significant than the demerits.
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IELTS essay In the modern world, it is possible to shop, work and communicate with people via the Internet and live without any face-to-face contact with others. Is it a positive or negative development?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
324 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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