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In the developed world, the average life expectancy is increasing. What problems will this cause for individuals and society? Suggest some measures that could be taken to reduce the impact of ageing populations. v.1

In the developed world, the average life expectancy is increasing. What problems will this cause for individuals and society? Suggest some measures that could be taken to reduce the impact of ageing populations. v. 1
In recent time, almost every child has the access to the internet and as a result, they play computer games daily. This essay will discuss the negative effect of playing computer games, that is the children becoming more inactive and do not adequately interact with other people, then a solution of teaching children the proper way to use their computer will also be presented. The major problem of children playing too many computer games is they will have less time spent on communicating with people around them. When spending too much time playing games online, children tend to sit in front of their laptop without moving around and talking to their family members, missing out on important conversations which would have been beneficial for their social development. For example, if a child is spending too much on their computer games, they might not appreciate the family time and does not know how to interact and comfort other people. One of the solutions to this problem could be both the parents and school to teach children how to use their computer properly. First of all, Children should be taught to view their computer as a learning tool which should be mainly used in learning time. This would allow children to spend less on their computer and more time with their parents. For instance, if children are encouraged to only use their computer for studying, they will have more time to be spent with their family, having much more conversations around the dinner table or engaging in outdoor activities together. In conclusion, playing too many computer games will result in children have less time to interact with their family and friends. However, by teaching them the right way of using computer as a learning tool will give them more time to have face to face interaction with people around them.
In recent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, almost every child has the access to the internet and
as a result
, they play computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
daily. This essay will discuss the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effect of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
,
that is
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
becoming more inactive and do not
adequately
interact with other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, then a solution of teaching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
the proper way to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their computer will
also
be presented
.

The major problem of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
is they will have less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
spent on communicating with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
around
them. When spending too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
online,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
tend to sit in front of their laptop without moving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
around
and talking to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members, missing out on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
conversations which would have been beneficial for their social development.
For example
, if a child is spending too much on their computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, they might not appreciate the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and does not know how to interact and comfort other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

One of the solutions to this problem could be both the parents and school to teach
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their computer
properly
.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
should
be taught
to view their computer as a learning tool which should be
mainly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. This would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to spend less on their computer and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with their parents.
For instance
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are encouraged
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their computer for studying, they will have more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to
be spent
with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, having much more conversations
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
around
the dinner table or engaging in outdoor activities together.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
will result in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to interact with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and friends.
However
, by teaching them the right way of using computer as a learning tool will give them more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to have face to face interaction with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
around
them.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
36Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay In the developed world, the average life expectancy is increasing. What problems will this cause for individuals and society? Suggest some measures that could be taken to reduce the impact of ageing populations. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
308 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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