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In the developed world, average life expectancy is increasing. What problems will this cause for individuals and society? Suggest some measures that could be taken to reduce the impact of ageing populations. v.23

In the developed world, average life expectancy is increasing. What problems will this cause for individuals and society? Suggest some measures that could be taken to reduce the impact of ageing populations. v. 23
Nowadays, humans' lifespan has significantly improved than before. This has made two major problems to people and communities, and I think two important solutions should be implemented to tackle them. To begin with, longevity has enhanced the governmental budgets. Clearly, elders need more supervision by the state authorities, including retirement pension, healthcare expenses, or housing for those who cannot afford their rent; however, other age groups need a less fund. For example, the administration only has to expense on education for juveniles, and young are healthier than the former. To solve this issue, governments have to escalate their budget to improve seniors' quality of life via increasing taxes paid by properties or businesses. This means the more citizens and businesspersons pay higher taxes, the more they will earn benefits during their retirement age. In this way, had the government of BC obtained more taxes from the local inhabitants, it would have had more saving to raise old people's pensions. In addition, ageing may worsen the condition of unemployment. Obviously, retired individuals may not afford their daily spending, and they have to work even they become over sixty-five years old. However, many of them cannot compete with other age groups, especially those youngsters seeking the same job. Ageing makes humans more disable physically, leading employers prefer to hire others; therefore, communities would face more jobless seniors. To address this problem, governments should assist these aged citizens by prioritising them in some appropriate careers. Definitely, this group of dwellers has a better experience in their profession they have been working, and the state authorities can use them in some appropriate situations. For instance, writers can be hired in the section of official press directed by the government. They have better capabilities to write articles or even publish the related journals in the regional newspapers. In conclusion, humans' lifespan is growing, and I believe that it can incline both the state funds and job positions needed for elders. To resolve that the administration should increase the tax and improve the condition of employment for them.
Nowadays, humans' lifespan has
significantly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
. This has made two major problems to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and communities, and I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
two
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
solutions should
be implemented
to tackle them.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, longevity has enhanced the governmental budgets.
Clearly
, elders need more supervision by the state authorities, including retirement pension, healthcare expenses, or housing for those who cannot afford their rent;
however
, other age groups need a less fund.
For example
, the administration
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
expense on education for juveniles, and young are healthier than the former. To solve this issue,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
escalate their budget to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
seniors' quality of life via increasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
taxes
paid by properties or businesses. This means the more citizens and businesspersons pay higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
taxes
, the more they will earn benefits during their retirement age. In this way, had the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
of BC obtained more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
taxes
from the local inhabitants, it would have had more saving to raise
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's pensions.

In addition
,
Possible spelling mistake. 'ageing' is British English.
ageing
may worsen the condition of unemployment.
Obviously
, retired individuals may not afford their daily spending, and they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
work even they become over sixty-five years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of them cannot compete with other age groups,
especially
those youngsters seeking the same job.
Possible spelling mistake. 'Ageing' is British English.
Ageing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
humans more disable
physically
, leading employers prefer to hire others;
therefore
, communities would face more jobless seniors. To address this problem,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
should assist these aged citizens by
Possible spelling mistake. 'prioritising' is British English.
prioritising
them in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
appropriate careers. Definitely, this group of dwellers has a better experience in their profession they have been working, and the state authorities can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
them in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
appropriate situations.
For instance
, writers can
be hired
in the section of official press directed by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
. They have better capabilities to write articles or even publish the related journals in the regional newspapers.

In conclusion
, humans' lifespan is growing, and I believe that it can incline both the state funds and job positions needed for elders. To resolve that the administration should increase the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tax
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the condition of employment for them.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay In the developed world, average life expectancy is increasing. What problems will this cause for individuals and society? Suggest some measures that could be taken to reduce the impact of ageing populations. v. 23

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
342 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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