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in some parts of the world people become concentrated on themselves

in some parts of the world people become concentrated on themselves eRA37
Nowadays, people are more concentrated on themselves and pay less attention to social communication with local communities. This can cause several problems which will be discussed below and some proposal how to solve this will be listed at the end. Increase social distance due to lack of communication between people as they spend much time in social media and Internet. Due to this people less spend time with the children, family and friends. In further it makes people loneliness and produce different effects such depression and even suicides. For example, in Japan last year’s suicides trend have been raised by 10%. To solve this problem government should create special programme to motivate people to meet offline each other. They should organize sport events, some competition such as “the best flowers” for local communities. Another problem in modern city is absence of recreation areas such as parks and green zones and due to the lack of comfortable urban space people stay home, become loneliness and have no any physical activities. Government should tackle this problem by modern urban planning, new management practices which should have radically transformed public spaces. In conclusion, these improves may increase prosperity and positively effect to individual physical and mental health but also to social cohesion and community well-being. Moreover, some social initiatives, sport events may help for being more focused on others.
Nowadays,
people
are more concentrated on themselves and pay less attention to
social
communication with local communities. This can cause several
problems
which will
be discussed
below and
some
proposal how to solve this will
be listed
at the
end
.

Increase
social
distance due to lack of communication between
people
as they spend much time in
social
media and Internet. Due to this
people
less spend time with the children, family and friends. In
further
it
makes
people
loneliness and produce
different
effects such depression and even suicides.
For example
, in Japan last year’s suicides trend have
been raised
by 10%. To solve this
problem
government
should create special
programme
to motivate
people
to
meet
offline each other. They should organize sport
events
,
some
competition such as “the best flowers” for local communities.

Another
problem
in modern city is absence of recreation areas such as parks and green zones and due to the lack of comfortable urban space
people
stay home, become loneliness and have
no
any physical activities.
Government
should tackle this
problem
by modern urban planning, new management practices which should have
radically
transformed public spaces.

In conclusion
, these
improves
may increase prosperity and
positively
effect to individual physical and mental health
but
also
to
social
cohesion and community well-being.
Moreover
,
some
social
initiatives, sport
events
may
help
for being more focused on others.
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IELTS essay in some parts of the world people become concentrated on themselves

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
226 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
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    One main idea per paragraph
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  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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