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In some countries people of all groups are engaging into many sports or over-exercising. Are there more advantages or drawbacks to this development.

In some countries people of all groups are engaging into many sports or over-exercising. Are there more advantages or drawbacks to this development. wMWNm
Sports have gain in ground in many countries during the last decade. It has been noticed that the community are adding exercises in their daily routine. People of all ages are practising various sports and this has definitely been beneficial for their personal growth, even though the disadvantage of over-exercising is minor. Physical exercises have always been recommended by doctors. Nowadays, people are becoming health conscious due to multiple diseases rising. Hence, they are doing more sports in various fields to keep themselves fit and healthy, thereby, breaking their monotonous lifestyle. Doing regular movements provide a right balance and good blood flow in the body reducing the risk of obesity, which is responsible for the death of 30% of the population annually. Furthermore, regular exercises allow people to engage and socialise with others. This develop a sense of togetherness and solidarity in the society. Hence, people feel more confident and have better self-esteem about themselves. They are able to participate and interact with different people while doing sports, hence, increasing their knowledge about multiple cultures. On the other hand, the main disadvantage of sports is the campaign and advertisement that are made by gyms. For instance, having sophisticated machine for body building can make people over-exercise, which can result in cardiovascular pain. Some people who become obsessed about having the perfect body tend to exercise more than required. This is not in favour of a good health as most of their time is being spent at the gym straining their muscles instead of working for a living. To sum up, the practice of sports has both its advantages and drawbacks. However, I strongly believe that doing sports, irrespective of the age, regularly with the correct guidance and the right pace is extremely useful for the society.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Sports
have gain in ground in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries during the last decade. It has
been noticed
that the community are adding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercises
in their daily routine.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
of all ages are
Possible spelling mistake. 'practising' is British English.
practising
various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and this has definitely been beneficial for their personal growth,
even though
the disadvantage of over-exercising is minor.

Physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercises
have always
been recommended
by doctors. Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are becoming health conscious due to multiple diseases rising.
Hence
, they are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
in various fields to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
themselves fit and healthy, thereby, breaking their monotonous lifestyle.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Doing
regular movements provide a right balance and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
blood flow in the body reducing the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of obesity, which is responsible for the death of 30% of the population
annually
.

Furthermore
, regular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercises
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to engage and
Possible spelling mistake. 'socialise' is British English.
socialise
with others.
The verb 'develop' is plural. Did you mean: "This develops"? Did you use a verb instead of a noun?
This develop
a sense of togetherness and solidarity in the society.
Hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
feel more confident and have better self-esteem about themselves. They are able to participate and interact with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
,
hence
, increasing their knowledge about multiple cultures.

On the other hand
, the main disadvantage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
is the campaign and advertisement that
are made
by gyms.
For instance
, having sophisticated machine for body building can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
over-exercise, which can result in cardiovascular pain.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who become obsessed about having the perfect body tend to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
more than required. This is not in
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
health as most of their time is
being spent
at the gym straining their muscles
instead
of working for a living.

To sum up, the practice of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
has both its advantages and drawbacks.
However
, I
strongly
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
, irrespective of the age,
regularly
with the correct guidance and the right pace is
extremely
useful for the society.
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IELTS essay In some countries people of all groups are engaging into many sports or over-exercising. Are there more advantages or drawbacks to this development.

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
296 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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