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In some countries, people follow the latest fashion and hairstyles. In your opinion, what is influencing them? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

In some countries, people follow the latest fashion and hairstyles. In your opinion, what is influencing them? Do you think this is a positive or negative development? OVRXM
In many countries, people love trendy outfits and hair dos. In my opinion, this trend is because of the media influence. However, this is a completely negative development, as it is responsible for many bad habits among youth. First and foremost cause of Chasing latest brands is the easy access of social networking website. Famous artists constantly post their images wearing costly branded clothes. This lures the general public to imitate their style considering them as their role models. Secondly, expensive brands are treated as a status symbol in the present economy. People boosts of their wealth by wearing expensive watches and jackets. They believe that they will be highly respected if they will wear International brands such as Gucci and Parada. However, this is a negative development. Adults manipulate their parents to buy them these costlier branded products. There are some who can afford this, but for those who are not from Well off families it creates a psychological pressure in their mind. Lastly, it results in an unethical behaviour in adults. They indulge in every possible effort to collect money to get these brands. Sometimes, they even do not hesitate to steal money to satisfy their demands of getting branded outfits. To conclude, social networking websites and media is influencing the fashion sense of the general public. However, this trend has adversly affected the young adults by inculcating bad habits among them.
In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
trendy outfits and hair dos. In my opinion, this trend is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the media influence.
However
, this is a completely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development, as it is responsible for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
habits among youth.

First
and foremost cause of Chasing
A determiner is probably missing here: "the latest".
latest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
brands
is the easy access of social networking website.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Famous
artists
constantly
post their images wearing costly branded clothes. This lures the
Consider using "public".
general public
to imitate their style considering them as their role models.
Secondly
, expensive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
brands
are treated
as a status symbol in the present economy.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
boosts
of their wealth by wearing expensive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watches
and jackets. They believe that they will be
highly
respected if they will wear International
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
brands
such as Gucci and
Possible spelling mistake found.
Parada
.

However
, this is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development. Adults manipulate their parents to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
them these costlier branded products. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
who can afford this,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
for those who are not from Well off families it creates a psychological pressure in their mind.
Lastly
, it results in an unethical
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
in adults. They indulge in every possible effort to collect money to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
brands
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Sometimes
, they even do not hesitate to steal money to satisfy their demands of getting branded outfits.

To conclude
, social networking websites and media is influencing the fashion sense of the
Consider using "public".
general public
.
However
, this trend has
Possible spelling mistake found.
adversly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
the young adults by inculcating
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
habits among them.
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IELTS essay In some countries, people follow the latest fashion and hairstyles. In your opinion, what is influencing them? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
234 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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