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In some countries Military Service is compulsory. Do you think compulsory Military Service should be universal for all 18-year olds?

In some countries Military Service is compulsory. Do you think compulsory Military Service should be universal for all 18-year olds? 5AodD
With increasing job opportunities and career options in various fields people are reluctant to join military. This is becoming a major concern for various countries. There are a few countries where men have to serve military necessarily after completing their education. In my opinion this rule should be there in every country both for men and women. This will not only strengthen armed forces of the country but will also improve health and security of people. Although countries have started using machines more than men during wars, still the importance of human soldiers cannot be neglected. With the growth of finance, marketing and education sectors, people are getting more job opportunities. most importantly the risk of life is not there in these sectors. This is the main reason of people becoming reluctant to join armed forces. If military service is made mandatory, people will not have any option other than joining military for a few years. This will help in strengthening of military. Health is another area where people will be benefitted by joining military. Rigorous exercises and activities help in strengthening both mind and body. Increasing fat in people can be dealt with only by physical exercise. Crime is growing at an alarming rate in every country. More than half of these crimes are against women. Most of these crimes are committed because women are not confident enough to oppose the crime. Military training can help in improving their confidenceto stand against crime and raise their voice. To conclude, military service after schooling should be made compulsory both for males as swell as females. This improve country's security as well as the health of its citizens.
With increasing job opportunities and career options in various fields
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are reluctant to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
military. This is becoming a major concern for various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
. There are a few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
where
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
serve military
necessarily
after completing their education. In my opinion this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rule
should be there in every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
both for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and women. This will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
strengthen armed forces of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
will
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
health and security of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

Although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
using machines more than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
during wars,
still
the importance of human soldiers cannot
be neglected
. With the growth of finance, marketing and education sectors,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are getting more job opportunities.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
most
importantly
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of life is not there in these sectors. This is the main reason of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
becoming reluctant to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
armed forces. If military service
is made
mandatory,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will not have any option other than joining military for a few years. This will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in strengthening of military.

Health is another area where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will be
Possible spelling mistake found.
benefitted
by joining military. Rigorous exercises and activities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in strengthening both mind and body. Increasing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
be dealt
with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
by physical exercise.

Crime is growing at an alarming rate in every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
. More than half of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
are against women. Most of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
are committed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
women are not confident
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to oppose the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
. Military training can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in improving their
Possible spelling mistake found.
confidenceto
stand against
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
and raise their voice.

To conclude
, military service after schooling should
be made
compulsory both for males as swell as females. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
country's security
as well
as the health of its citizens.
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The man who does not know other languages, unless he is a man of genius, necessarily has deficiencies in his ideas.
Victor Hugo

IELTS essay In some countries Military Service is compulsory. Do you think compulsory Military Service should be universal for all 18-year olds?

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
277 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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