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In some countries, a lot of children have health issues and are becoming overweight. Some people think that the government should be responsible for solving this problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In some countries, a lot of children have health issues and are becoming overweight. Some people think that the government should be responsible for solving this problem. JRaa
It is true that children in some parts of the world are becoming obese and unhealthy. I agree with the role of the government in resolving this vexing issue. However, I also believe that we also should emphasize the role of parenting and school settings. Childhood obesity and children’s health problems should be partly blamed to authority. We cannot deny the fact that overweight children are of high chance to be vulnerable to numerous serious diseases such as diabetes and hypertension, which poses a dire threat to the national growth of any country as they are the future’s human resources. As a result, the authority should be accountable for mitigating this problem. Take China as a good example. The governing body has been taking action to lower the obesity rate among children by organizing boot camps where children are physically trained to lose weight and take up a daily healthy habit. This is because China’s political activists are scared of the scenario that these overweight children will not be able to meet the physical demand to join the army. Besides the governmental role, parents and schools are also liable for their children’s good health. Regarding the former, working parents nowadays tend to devote virtually their whole time to work to ensure material well-being, which means that they may spend less time carefully taking care of their children’s diet. Therefore, without supervision, children might eat unhealthy food or lead a sedentary lifestyle. This explains why close parental care and control is crucial in ensuring children’s balanced diet and healthy lifestyle. In terms of the role of education in teaching children about healthy living, some schools inclined to place emphasis on theoretical subjects as math and literature, and neglect the importance of physical education, which reduces their students’ workout frequency. School efforts to promote a healthy diet and engage students in physical exercises are irreplaceable in tackling the problem of child obesity. In conclusion, the government, parents and schools should all shoulder the responsibility for protecting their children from obesity and unhealthy lifestyles.
It is true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
parts of the world are becoming obese and unhealthy. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
in resolving this vexing issue.
However
, I
also
believe that we
also
should emphasize the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
of parenting and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
settings.

Childhood obesity and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
health problems should be partly blamed to authority. We cannot deny the fact that overweight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are of high chance to be vulnerable to numerous serious diseases such as diabetes and hypertension, which poses a dire threat to the national growth of any country as they are the future’s human resources.
As a result
, the authority should be accountable for mitigating this problem. Take China as a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
example. The governing body has been taking action to lower the obesity rate among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
by organizing boot camps where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
physically
trained to lose weight and take up a daily
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
habit. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
China’s political activists
are scared
of the scenario that these overweight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will not be able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
the physical demand to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
the army.

Besides
the governmental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
, parents and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
are
also
liable for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
health. Regarding the former, working parents nowadays tend to devote
virtually
their whole time to work to ensure material well-being, which means that they may spend less time
carefully
taking care of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
diet.
Therefore
, without supervision,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
might eat unhealthy food or lead a sedentary lifestyle. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explains
why close parental care and control is crucial in ensuring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
balanced diet and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
lifestyle. In terms of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
of education in teaching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
living,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
inclined to place emphasis on theoretical subjects as math and literature, and neglect the importance of physical education, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduces
their students’ workout frequency.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
School
efforts to promote a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
diet and engage students in physical exercises are irreplaceable in tackling the problem of child obesity.

In conclusion
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
, parents and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should all shoulder the responsibility for protecting their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
from obesity and unhealthy lifestyles.
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IELTS essay In some countries, a lot of children have health issues and are becoming overweight. Some people think that the government should be responsible for solving this problem.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
341 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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