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In recent decades, the fact that more and more celebrities gaining more reputation for their luxurious lifestyles than their talents is a hotly debated issue

In recent decades, the fact that more and more celebrities gaining more reputation for their luxurious lifestyles than their talents is a hotly debated issue rbbPp
On the one hand, it is true that big names in the entertainment field do contribute to the corruption of children. Many celebrities are famous for their unimaginable wealth resulting in a misconception among the young that hard work and efforts are not important, the only thing that is paramount is money. One of the most notable examples is Paris Hilton, who is rich and famous for the wrong reasons. She spends her time attending parties and nightclubs, and her behavior promotes the idea aforementioned. This inevitably wreaks havoc with the academic performance of teenagers since they already bear that misinformation in their minds. Furthermore, those well-known people are only staying around for a while, and then after their money is depleted, no one will pay any attention to them again, and this may happen to those young people who try to take them as an example. On the other hand, there are plenty of good celebrities out there that can be used as a good example for young people to learn from. Those who made their way up from nothing such as the rapper Den Vau in Vietnam, he used to work as environmental workers, however, with his ambition and efforts, this endeavor paid off and he is now one of the most famous and well-respected rappers in the whole rap industry in Vietnam. HE demonstrates great effort, determination, and ambition, which is required for someone who wants to be truly successful in their chosen field to exemplify. Moreover, this kind of self-made celebrity can inspire children to develop their talents through application and perseverance. In a nutshell, I still hold a strong belief that despite all of the bad examples of famous people out there, there are still numerous celebrities who truly contribute to the platform with great effort and have a good influence on children which cannot be overlooked.
On the one hand, it is true that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
names in the entertainment field do contribute to the corruption of children.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
for their unimaginable wealth resulting in a misconception among the young that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
efforts
are not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
thing
that is
paramount is money. One of the most notable examples is Paris Hilton,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
is rich and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
for the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
reasons. She spends her time attending parties and nightclubs, and her behavior promotes the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
aforementioned. This
inevitably
wreaks havoc with the academic performance of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
since they already bear that misinformation in their minds.
Furthermore
, those well-known
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
staying around for a while, and then after their money
is depleted
, no one will pay any attention to them again, and this may happen to those young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
try to take them as an example.

On the other hand
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
out there that can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
as a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
example for young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to learn from. Those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
made their way up from nothing such as the rapper Den
Possible spelling mistake found.
Vau
in Vietnam, he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to work as environmental workers,
however
, with his ambition and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
efforts
, this endeavor paid
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
off and
he is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
one of the most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
and well-respected rappers in the whole rap industry in Vietnam. HE demonstrates great
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
effort
, determination, and ambition, which
is required
for someone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
wants to be
truly
successful in their chosen field to exemplify.
Moreover
, this kind of self-made
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrity
can inspire children to develop their talents through application and perseverance.

In a nutshell, I
still
hold a strong belief that despite
Consider using "all the".
all of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
examples of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
out there, there are
still
numerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
truly
contribute to the platform with great
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
effort
and have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
influence on children which cannot
be overlooked
.
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IELTS essay In recent decades, the fact that more and more celebrities gaining more reputation for their luxurious lifestyles than their talents is a hotly debated issue

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
312 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
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