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In order to stay healthy, many people tend to exercise. Some people tend to exercise individually such as running and riding bicycles, etc. Some people tend to participate in group exercises such as team sports. Which one do you prefer, why? v.1

In order to stay healthy, many people tend to exercise. Some people tend to exercise individually such as running and riding bicycles, etc. Some people tend to participate in group exercises such as team sports. Which one do you prefer, why? v. 1
The more you earn, the less you value other activities of life is a norm accepted by most of the earning people of the world. But is it an acceptable strategy or the opposite will be better to spend our lives. This essay will analyse this situation using the examples of Oxford University research and Time magazine survey in order to demonstrate points and support claims. On the one hand, people concentrate more on earning livelihood therefore compromising on the health of themselves, their friends or family members. Their ultimate goal is to become rich so that they can purchase every happiness of the world. For example, an Oxford University research in 2015 clearly indicates that it is psychologically proven that people feel safe if they have more in their bank accounts because they think that it is the only way which help them in their trouble times. So, it is clear from this that people believe in the power of wealth rather than keeping in touch with the family members or friends which they consider a useless activity. On the other hand, there are some who advocate that leisure moments are preferable, and would not be compromised in any scenario. They think that we are here in this world to enjoy its beauties and comforts and we can’t purchase everything especially our families or precious friends. For example, Time Magazine in 2016 conducted a survey on the value of office life as compared to family time or spare activities and 60% public voted in the favour of giving their valuable moments to their loved ones is more important than giving time to their offices. From this survey, it is clear that we can buy properties but wealth of love is not purchasable by any worldly resources until or unless you don’t show interest in them. To conclude, I personally believe that leisure and earning both are important factors to live a balanced life and we cannot ignore any factor as it is explained in both examples. So if a person does justice in between spare activities and business deals, he will live a more balanced life.
The more you earn, the less you value other activities of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
is a norm
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
by most of the earning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of the world.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
is it an acceptable strategy or the opposite will be better to spend our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. This essay will
Possible spelling mistake. 'analyse' is British English.
analyse
this situation using the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
examples
of Oxford University research and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Time
magazine survey in order to demonstrate points and support claims.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
concentrate more on earning livelihood
therefore
compromising on the health of themselves, their friends or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members. Their ultimate goal is to become rich
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
every happiness of the world. For
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
example
, an Oxford University research in 2015
clearly
indicates that it is
psychologically
proven that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
feel safe if they have more in their bank accounts
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
way which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them in their trouble
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
from this that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe in the power of wealth
rather
than keeping in touch with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members or friends which they consider a useless activity.

On the other hand
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
who advocate that leisure moments are preferable, and would not
be compromised
in any scenario. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that we are here in this world to enjoy its beauties and
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
comforts and
we can’t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
everything
especially
our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
or precious friends. For
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Time
Magazine in 2016 conducted a survey on the value of office
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
as compared to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
or spare activities and 60% public voted in the
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of giving their valuable moments to their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
ones is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than giving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to their offices. From this survey, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
properties
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
wealth of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
is not purchasable by any worldly resources until or unless you don’t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
interest in them.

To conclude
, I
personally
believe that leisure and earning both are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
factors to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a balanced
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
life and
we cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
any factor as it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explained
in both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
examples
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
if a person does justice in between spare activities and business deals, he will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a more balanced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
As a hawk flieth not high with one wing, even so a man reacheth not to excellence with one tongue.
Roger Ascham

IELTS essay In order to stay healthy, many people tend to exercise. Some people tend to exercise individually such as running and riding bicycles, etc. Some people tend to participate in group exercises such as team sports. Which one do you prefer, why? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
357 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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