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In modern days, our lifestyle becomes more sedentary

In modern days, our lifestyle becomes more sedentary GL85B
In modern days, our lifestyle becomes more sedentary. Many children nowadays have a tendency to be overweight and have many health issues. It is believed that the government should solve this problem as soon as possible. From where I stand, I partially agree with this opinion and this essay will outline my reasons. To begin with, one of the major issues related to this situation is that children’s diet is not usually monitored by parents. Many parents seem to be nonchalantly about their children’s meals. They usually allow their children to buy junk food, sweets, or unhealthy food instead of vegetable or fruits. If this problem continues with no sign of reduction, many children will run a higher risk of involving in respiratory diseases and become overweight. Moreover, children choose to stay home and spend their leisure time with computer games and watching TV. This unhealthy habit is the main cause of childhood obesity, as children burn fewer calories and are inactive for long periods. Because of this alarming problem, it’s times the government should really concern about this problem and solve this problem. The government should have the duty to raise public awareness of childhood obesity among citizens. For instance, the government must take responsibility for the appearance of unhealthy food advertisements on TV and other social media channels. Furthermore, parents are playing an important in managing their children’s health. Parents should help their children form healthy eating habits from a young age. From that, children can have a well-proportioned body and be more confident in their future lives. In conclusion, the responsibility of managing children’s health has become a debatable topic in recent years. But overall, it can still be controlled if the government and parents get together to help our children to solve this problem thoroughly.
In modern days, our lifestyle becomes more sedentary.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
nowadays have a tendency to be overweight and have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
health issues. It
is believed
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should solve this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
as possible. From where I stand, I
partially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this opinion and this essay will outline my reasons.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, one of the major issues related to this situation is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
diet is not
usually
monitored by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
seem to be
nonchalantly
about their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
meals. They
usually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
junk food, sweets, or unhealthy food
instead
of vegetable or fruits. If this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
continues with no
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sign
of reduction,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will run a higher
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of involving in respiratory diseases and become overweight.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
choose to stay home and spend their leisure time with computer games and watching TV. This unhealthy habit is the main cause of childhood obesity, as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
burn fewer calories and are inactive for long periods.

Because of this
alarming
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
, it’s times the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should
really
concern about this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
and solve this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should have the duty to raise public awareness of childhood obesity among citizens.
For instance
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
take responsibility for the appearance of unhealthy food advertisements on TV and other social media channels.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are playing an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
in managing their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
health.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
form healthy eating habits from a young age. From that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can have a well-proportioned body and be more confident in their future
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.

In conclusion
, the responsibility of managing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
health has become a debatable topic in recent years.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
overall
, it can
still
be controlled
if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
together to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to solve this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
thoroughly
.
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IELTS essay In modern days, our lifestyle becomes more sedentary

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
299 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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