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In many places, shopping is the leisure time activity for young adults. Why is it so? Do you think it is a negative or a positive development?

In many places, shopping is the leisure time activity for young adults. Why is it so? Do you think it is a negative or a positive development? 8lPl
Time is changing and so are the favourite pastimes of youngsters. Nowadays, many adults can be seen spending time doing shopping. The ever changing fashion trends and the desire to show off in front of friends are the main causes of this change. In my opinion, this is a negative development because of the wastage of money, time and energy. Every day a new fashion trend or a new gadget is introduced in the market. The young adults want to update their wardrobe according to the latest market trends. For example, whenever a new movie is launched, girls try to imitate the style of the actress by buying clothes similar to what she wore in the movie. Moreover, many times adults want to show-off their status in front of their friends. They want to splurge money in order to do this. That is why we see many youngsters with large friend circles hopping from shop to shop and spending money. This is a negative development because of the wastage of money. The youngsters spend their hard-earned money on unimportant things. They buy all the stuff which are useless and collect all the junk in their closets. Furthermore, it is a wastage of precious time and energy. The time which could be spent in a more productive way is spent on buying things which are not needed. Instead, they can join gymnastics or aerobics to have a healthy mind and body. Thus it is evident that mindless shopping / excessive shopping is a waste of money, time and energy. To conclude, more and more youngsters now spend their time shopping because they want to follow the latest fashion trends and to impress their friends. However, it is a negative development as it is a complete waste of time, energy and more importantly money.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Time
is changing and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
are the
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
pastimes of youngsters. Nowadays,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
adults can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
. The
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
ever changing
fashion
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trends
and the desire to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
off in front of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
are the main causes of this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
. In my opinion, this is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the wastage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and energy.

Every day a new fashion
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trend
or a new gadget
is introduced
in the market. The young adults
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
want
to update their wardrobe according to the latest market
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trends
.
For example
, whenever a new movie
is launched
, girls try to imitate the style of the actress by buying clothes similar to what she wore in the movie.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
adults
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
want
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
-off their status in front of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
. They
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
want
to splurge
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
in order to do this.
That is
why we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
youngsters with large
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friend
circles hopping from shop to shop and spending money.

This is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the wastage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. The youngsters spend their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
-earned
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on unimportant things. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
all the stuff which are useless and collect all the junk in their closets.
Furthermore
, it is a wastage of precious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and energy. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
which could
be spent
in a more productive way
is spent
on buying things which are not needed.
Instead
, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
gymnastics or aerobics to have a healthy mind and body.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
it is evident that mindless
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
/ excessive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
is a waste of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and energy.

To conclude
, more and more youngsters
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
spend their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
want
to follow the latest fashion
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trends
and to impress their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
.
However
, it is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development as it is a complete waste of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, energy and more
importantly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
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IELTS essay In many places, shopping is the leisure time activity for young adults. Why is it so? Do you think it is a negative or a positive development?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
302 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
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