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In many places, people’s lifestyles are changing rapidly, and this affects family relationships. Do you think the advantages of such developments outweigh the disadvantages v.6

In many places, people’s lifestyles are changing rapidly, and this affects family relationships. Do you think the advantages of such developments outweigh the disadvantages v. 6
In recent years, more and more individuals turn their attention towards the busy lifestyle when pursuing their careers and social lives, which is creating a negative effect on the connection with other members in their families. In my opinion, while this development has some influence on family relationships, the advantages of this tendency are far more beneficial. To begin with, there are several side-effects on the family when people chase after new modern lifestyles. Unlike the old days when close relatives get together to have dinners in the evening, individuals nowadays tend to spend more time at work and skip family meals. Thus, these people distance themselves from other members. Gradually, the communication between individuals will be less frequent, which damages the family’s bond significantly. Furthermore, since people now actively desire to hang out with colleagues after work hours in order to socialize and have a boost in their careers, parents may be disappointed with the young. This could possibly lead to a domestic conflict which is an extreme factor to tear families apart. Fortunately, the profit of new lifestyles seems to bring enormous benefits to households. Firstly, when people adapt to working the extra hours, they will have a raise in the salaries, which means individuals earn more money to spend on the families’ expense. Despite they have to sacrifice the time with their family members, they make their parents proud of their earnings in return and raise family happiness drastically. Secondly, the success of one member will encourage the others to change the way of living. In order to catch up with the young, the older will also have to be active in their social experience. Again, changing lifestyle deliver benefits to everyone in the family. In conclusion, while the way people live is changing rapidly and affecting the relationships of families, I believe that this development has its own merits
In recent years, more and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
turn their attention towards the busy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyle
when pursuing their careers and social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
, which is creating a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effect on the connection with other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
. In my opinion, while this development has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
influence on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
relationships, the advantages of this tendency are far more beneficial.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, there are several
Did you mean "side effects" (=adverse effect, unintended consequence)? Open compounds are not hyphenated.
side-effects
on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
chase after new modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyles
. Unlike the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
days when close relatives
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
together to have dinners in the evening,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
nowadays tend to spend more time at work and skip
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
meals.
Thus
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
distance themselves from other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
.
Gradually
, the communication between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
will be less frequent, which damages the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family’s
bond
significantly
.
Furthermore
, since
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
actively
desire to hang out with colleagues after work hours in order to socialize and have a boost in their careers, parents may
be disappointed
with the young. This could
possibly
lead to a domestic conflict which is an extreme factor to tear
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
apart.

Fortunately
, the profit of new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyles
seems to bring enormous benefits to households.
Firstly
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
adapt to working the extra hours, they will have a raise in the salaries, which means
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
earn more money to spend on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families’
expense. Despite they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
sacrifice the time with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their parents proud of their earnings in return and raise
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
happiness
drastically
.
Secondly
, the success of one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
member
will encourage the others to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
the way of living. In order to catch up with the young, the older will
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be active in their social experience. Again, changing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyle
deliver benefits to everyone in the family.

In conclusion
, while the way
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
is changing
rapidly
and affecting the relationships of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
, I believe that this development has its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
merits
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
27Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay In many places, people’s lifestyles are changing rapidly, and this affects family relationships. Do you think the advantages of such developments outweigh the disadvantages v. 6

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
312 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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