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In many countries today, young people prefer to spend their leisure time in shopping centres instead of doing organised leisure activities, such as sports or music . Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

In many countries today, young people prefer to spend their leisure time in shopping centres instead of doing organised leisure activities, such as sports or music. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? 3gMkd
These days, youngsters are spending their free time in malls rather than organised leisure activities like games and music because may be lack of proper guidance. It is well known that children who utilise their time in learning new skills are more successful than who waste their time in shopping malls. From my perspective, it is a negative development and in this essay, I will shed light on how it is so. Choosing market as a means of spending leisure time wastes both time and money. In other words, youth go for shopping and movies whenever they are free that demands large amount of time as well as money. As a evidence, if we got holidays, we would go to market to buy new stuffs which may be not needed at that time. For a single object we have to roam around many shops and we may buy some extra things as well that will kill our precious time and money. Secondary, it has seen that children who are bright and ambitious choose to spend their leisure time in games and music which help them to keep fit and stress free. That is to say, adolescents who love to enjoy their holidays by roaming in crowded place do not have any goal. On the other hand, students who are involved in sports and music can develop themselves as multi talented person. That means, if pupils will be engaged in organised leisure works then they can learn new skills other than their studies. For instance, a single person can be an engineer and singer at the same time if he/she will focus on study and practice singing in free time. Moreover, sport make people healthy and stress free and youngsters who are involved in sports can develop it as their career. To sum up, being busy in shopping areas in free time is a negative development because it waste our time and money as well as distract us from our goal, whereas, investing leisure time in games and music keep us fit and help in developing new skills.
These days, youngsters are spending their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in malls
rather
than
Possible spelling mistake. 'organised' is British English.
organised
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leisure
activities like games and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
may be lack of proper guidance. It is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well
known that children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
Possible spelling mistake. 'utilise' is British English.
utilise
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
are more successful than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
waste their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in shopping malls. From my perspective, it is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development and in this essay, I will shed light on how it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
.

Choosing market as a means of spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
wastes both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
In other words
, youth go for shopping and movies whenever they are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
that demands large amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. As
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
evidence, if we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
holidays, we would go to market to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
stuffs which may be not needed at that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. For a single object we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
roam around
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
shops and
we may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extra things as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well
that will kill our precious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. Secondary, it has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are bright and ambitious choose to spend their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in games and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
fit and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
.
That is
to say, adolescents
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
to enjoy their holidays by roaming in crowded place do not have any goal.

On the other hand
, students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are involved
in sports and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
can develop themselves as multi talented person. That means, if pupils will
be engaged
in
Possible spelling mistake. 'organised' is British English.
organised
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leisure
works then they can learn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
other than their studies.
For instance
, a single person can be an engineer and singer at the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
if he/she will focus on study and practice singing in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
Moreover
, sport
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
healthy and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
and youngsters
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are involved
in sports can develop it as their career.

To sum up, being busy in shopping areas in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
Did you mean "wastes"?
waste
our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well
as distract us from our goal, whereas, investing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in games and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
us fit and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in developing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
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IELTS essay In many countries today, young people prefer to spend their leisure time in shopping centres instead of doing organised leisure activities, such as sports or music. Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
347 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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