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Write about the following topic: In many countries today there are many highly qualified graduates without employment. What factors may have caused this situation and what, in your opinion, can/should be done about it? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

The Unemployment rate has seen an enormous increase in this century and become an obvious topic of debate. Several countries, despite having good skilled graduates they often doesn't have job opportunities. In this essay we would discuss what are the factors which might have caused this rise in unemployment and will put forward ideas to overcome this issue. First and foremost, reason would be development of computers. Although the computers are human inventions they outsmart human beings in certain aspects. For an instance, On average human being works for 8 hours in a day upon which the effectiveness and the efficiency will depend on various factor and might not be consistent. In addition to this humans tend to get tired and distracted. Conversely, computers can work all day long with the same effectiveness and efficiency. Moreover, they never get exhausted or get distracted. So Organizations prefer computers over humans. Secondly, traditional education systems. In order to increase their organizational profit companies expects a heavily skilled person who can work on multidisciplinary domains. For example With development in computer technologies inside vehicles in mind, automobile organizations now look for Engineers who have background in both computers and mechanical domains. Hence the companies look for a multiskilled person over a monotonous person. In Conclusion, this essay has discussed the various factors which affects the employment opportunities. In my opinion, to overcome these practical difficulties the people should not constraint themselves into a particular field and must think out of the box. Meanwhile there should be some governing organizations should be setup to monitor the development of technology which have potential to replace humans and conduct decision making analysis before implementing them. This will provide help creating more employment opportunities.
The Unemployment rate has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
an enormous increase in this century and become an obvious topic of debate. Several countries, despite having
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
skilled graduates they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
doesn't have job opportunities. In this essay we would discuss what are the factors which might have caused this rise in unemployment and will put forward
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
to overcome this issue.

First
and foremost, reason would be development of computers.
“Although” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Although
the computers are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
inventions they outsmart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
beings in certain aspects. For an instance, On average
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
being works for 8 hours in a day upon which the effectiveness and the efficiency will depend on various factor and might not be consistent.
In addition
to
‘This’ does not seem to match the plural noun ‘humans’. Did you mean “these”?
this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
humans
tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
tired and distracted.
Conversely
, computers can work all day long with the same effectiveness and efficiency.
Moreover
, they never
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
exhausted or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
distracted.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
Organizations
Consider using “to” with “prefer”.
prefer computers over humans
.

Secondly
, traditional education systems. In order to increase their organizational profit
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expects
a
heavily
skilled person who can work on multidisciplinary domains.
For example
With development in computer technologies inside vehicles in mind, automobile organizations
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
look for Engineers who have background in both computers and mechanical domains.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Hence
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
look for a multiskilled person over a monotonous person.

In Conclusion
, this essay has discussed the various factors which affects the employment opportunities. In my opinion, to overcome these practical difficulties the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
should not constraint themselves into a particular field and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
out of the box.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Meanwhile
there should be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
governing organizations should be setup to monitor the development of technology which have potential to replace
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
humans
and conduct
This word is normally spelled with a hyphen.
decision making
analysis
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
implementing them. This will provide
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
creating more employment opportunities.

IELTS essay : In many countries today there are many highly qualified graduates without employment. What factors may have caused this situation and what, in your opinion, can/should be done about it?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
287 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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  • Write about the following topic: In many countries today there are many highly qualified graduates without employment. What factors may have caused this situation and what, in your opinion, can/should be done about it? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.