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In many countries, the amount of crime is increasing. What do you think ate the main causes of crime? How can we deal with these causes? v.11

In many countries, the amount of crime is increasing. What do you think ate the main causes of crime? How can we deal with these causes? v. 11
The crimes in many countries are increasing at an alarming rate. The two main reasons for this is, people are exposed to extreme violence on the television and they are becoming less spiritual. These can be dealt, by creating awareness among the public regarding the negative trait, that they can develop by watching violent sequences on TV. Also, by training the children in the schools and at homes to respect humanity. Firstly, nowadays many movies is associated with some violent incidents. So, these incidents attract the youngsters to follow anti-social activities. In addition, it instigates them to practically try committing such crimes. For example, a student in the USA did shoot out at school, killing his teacher and many students. He wanted to intimidate his teacher, while trying to recreate a movie sequence. The solution for these are mainly related to create an awareness among the public about the consequences of watching crime on TV. Therefore, parents must encourage children to watch non-violent movies. Secondly, people today are not spiritual or religious. So, with this attitude people are bound to commit crime. Moreover, these people get angry easily and hence even a small fight may trigger them to murder an opposite person. For example, research at Havard university says 65% of the people in the prison are non-spiritual. Therefore, such individuals need to be exposed to spiritual stories and devotional songs, so that they can modify their lifestyle. In addition, they will develop a God fearing attitude and respect to the other humans. In conclusion, it is undoubtedly true that the crime rate are increasing in many countries. So, it must be reduced, by motivating people to watch more of non-violent movies, and also by inculcating a spiritual attitude among the public.
The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries are increasing at an alarming rate. The two main reasons for this is,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are exposed
to extreme violence on the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
television and
they are becoming less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spiritual
. These can
be dealt
, by creating awareness among the public regarding the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
trait, that they can develop by watching violent sequences on TV.
Also
, by training the children in the schools and at homes to respect humanity.

Firstly
, nowadays
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
movies
is associated
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
violent incidents.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, these incidents attract the youngsters to follow anti-social activities.
In addition
, it instigates them to
practically
try committing such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
.
For example
, a student in the USA did shoot out at school, killing his teacher and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
students. He wanted to intimidate his teacher, while trying to recreate a movie sequence. The solution for these are
mainly
related to create an awareness among the public about the consequences of watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
on TV.
Therefore
, parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
encourage children to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
non-violent movies.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
are not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spiritual
or religious.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, with this attitude
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are bound
to commit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
.
Moreover
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
angry
easily
and
hence
even a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
fight may trigger them to murder an opposite person.
For example
, research at
Possible spelling mistake found.
Havard
university says 65% of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the prison are non-spiritual.
Therefore
, such individuals need to
be exposed
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spiritual
stories and devotional songs,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can modify their lifestyle.
In addition
, they will develop a
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
God fearing
attitude and respect to the other humans.

In conclusion
, it is
undoubtedly
true that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
rate are increasing in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
, by motivating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
more of non-violent movies, and
also
by inculcating a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spiritual
attitude among the public.
17Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
The man who does not know other languages, unless he is a man of genius, necessarily has deficiencies in his ideas.
Victor Hugo

IELTS essay In many countries, the amount of crime is increasing. What do you think ate the main causes of crime? How can we deal with these causes? v. 11

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
292 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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