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In many countries, teenagers are encouraged to do the part-time jobs. What’s the situation in your country? What do you think are the advantages and Disadvantages of doing part-time jobs?

In many countries, teenagers are encouraged to do the part-time jobs. What’s the situation in your country? What do you think are the advantages and Disadvantages of doing part-time jobs? 33e5
In this fast-moving world, many developed and even developing nations encourage adolescents to do part-time jobs. As everything has its pros and cons, similarly, doing a part-time job at a younger age also has its good points and bad points which I shall discuss in this essay. To begin with, doing part-time jobs can help the youngsters to pay their fees as well to handle their daily expenses. For instance, in my country, Canada students are allowed to do the part-time job for 20 hours a week by which they can fulfil their smaller goals such as buying a laptop or mobile with their own earned money. Secondly, part-time jobs or paid internship in a field of which they are presently studying can help them to build the future career at a younger age. Finally, the foremost advantage is that they understand how to manage the budget at a younger age, which leads them to gain leadership and management skills. On the other hand, teenagers doing part-time jobs has also its negative points. Firstly, working at a younger age can distract the students from their studies, as they focus more on earning the money instead of completing their assignments or preparing for exams. For example, a student working part-time in a McDonald store sometimes gets double pay for working overtime and this would distract their studies and also sometimes stress them out. Secondly, earning more money as a teenager also leads them to bad habits such as smoking and taking drugs, which causes a detrimental effect on their health and studies. To sum up, there are few disadvantages of adolescents doing a part-time job, but the advantages outweigh them as it leads them to a bright future and good career path.
In this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
-moving world,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
developed and even developing nations encourage adolescents to do part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
. As everything has its pros and cons,
similarly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
a part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
at a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
also
has its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
points and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
points which I shall discuss in this essay.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the youngsters to pay their fees
as well
to handle their daily expenses.
For instance
, in my country, Canada students are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to do the part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
for 20 hours a week by which they can fulfil their smaller goals such as buying a laptop or mobile with their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
earned money.
Secondly
, part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
or paid internship in a field of which they are
presently
studying can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to build the future career at a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
.
Finally
, the foremost advantage is that they understand how to manage the budget at a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
, which leads them to gain leadership and management
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
has
also
its
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
points.
Firstly
, working at a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
can distract the students from their studies, as they focus more on earning the money
instead
of completing their assignments or preparing for exams.
For example
, a student working part-time in a McDonald store
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
double pay for working overtime and this would distract their studies and
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
them out.
Secondly
, earning more money as a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenager
also
leads them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
habits such as smoking and taking drugs, which causes a detrimental effect on their health and studies.

To sum up, there are few disadvantages of adolescents
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
a part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the advantages outweigh them as it leads them to a bright future and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
career path.
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IELTS essay In many countries, teenagers are encouraged to do the part-time jobs. What’s the situation in your country? What do you think are the advantages and Disadvantages of doing part-time jobs?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
291 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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