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in many countries law says that youngster must attend school or college until they become 18 year old. do the advantage overweigh disadvantages ?

in many countries law says that youngster must attend school or college until they become 18 year old. do the advantage overweigh disadvantages? 8GGRG
Education is fundamental right for every one, so many nations has rule to get education from school until they get 18. therefore, the merits are surpass the demerits. To commence with the advantages. First of all when school go to the school they learn basic skills such as writing and communication skills which give them knowledge. Moreover, after getting education they can get a job and can earn money. BY this money they can purchase desired things and can enjoy luxurious life as well as can support their family members. when they earn money then they contribute in the economy of country by paying taxes. Apart from this, they become decent citizens and there are crimes are low in the state. On the contrary side, there are some negative impacts which can not be neglected, in order to get enrolled in the school, they need more money which can be extra burden on their guardians, so they get loans. some times they can not get desired job after graduating from the college so they remained unemployed. Moreover, they have to basic jobs such as plumber, carpentry. To conclude, it is needless to say that education plays a crucial role in the life and it has various advantages but there are some cons, but these can be ameliorate by the help of government and parents.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Education
is fundamental right for every one,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
nations has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rule
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
until they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
18.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
therefore
, the merits are
Consider using a past participle here: "surpassed".
surpass
the demerits. To commence with the advantages.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
go to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
they learn basic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
such as writing and communication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
which give them knowledge.
Moreover
, after getting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a job and can earn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. BY this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
desired things and can enjoy luxurious life
as well
as can support their family members.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
when
they earn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
then they contribute in the economy of country by paying taxes. Apart from this, they become decent citizens and there are crimes are low in the state.

On the contrary
side, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts which can not
be neglected
, in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
enrolled in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, they need more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
which can be extra burden on their guardians,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
loans.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
some
times they can not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
desired job after graduating from the college
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they remained unemployed.
Moreover
, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
basic jobs such as plumber, carpentry.

To conclude
, it is needless to say that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
plays a crucial role in the life and it has various advantages
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cons,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
these can be
Consider using the past participle "ameliorated"?
ameliorate
by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
and parents.
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IELTS essay in many countries law says that youngster must attend school or college until they become 18 year old. do the advantage overweigh disadvantages?

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
224 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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