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In many countries a lot of young people have an obesity problem.What can be done to solve this problem?

In many countries a lot of young people have an obesity problem. What can be done to solve this problem? Ajx7M
Obesity is one of the problems occuring around the world. This global problem needs the best solutions as the future of every country depends on youth. Thus, mostly young people are suffering from this illness. In this essay I will try some reasons and solutions of this problem. Firstly, one of the reasons of this problem can be drinking alcohol much. Hence, to solve one problem it is necessary to solve another one. In addition, the problem with alcohol is connected with stress which is met in everyone nowadays. Secondly, fast food is the important factor for obesity. However, people know that fast food is not included to healthy food, today's life requires to be busy with work all time, day and night even. This lifestyle shortens time for cooking and brings problem with obesity by fast food. On the other hand, being in one line with others we need be as others. Nevertheless, people can find the right solutions as going for sports. To sum up, today civilized countries where fast food and alcohol can not be out of their lifestyle can solve the problem with obesity taking drinking, fast food very little and being more active in sports.
Obesity is one of the
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problems
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occuring
around the world. This global
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
needs the best solutions as the future of every country depends on youth.
Thus
,
mostly
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are suffering from this illness. In this essay I will try
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons and solutions of this
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problem
.
Firstly
, one of the reasons of this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
can be drinking alcohol much.
Hence
, to solve one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
it is necessary to solve another one.
In addition
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
with alcohol
is connected
with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
which
is met
in everyone nowadays.
Secondly
,
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fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
is the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
factor for obesity.
However
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
know that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
is not included to healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's life requires to be busy with work all time, day and night even. This lifestyle shortens time for cooking and brings
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
with obesity by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
.
On the other hand
, being in one line with others we need be as others.
Nevertheless
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can find the right solutions as going for sports. To sum up,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
civilized countries where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
and alcohol can not be out of their lifestyle can solve the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
with obesity taking drinking,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
and being more active in sports.
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IELTS essay In many countries a lot of young people have an obesity problem. What can be done to solve this problem?

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
200 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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