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In last 20 century the population city increases dramatically

In last 20 century the population city increases dramatically 9lGox
In the last twentieth century, the proportion of the world's population living in cities has increased substantially. People have moved in ever growing numbers to urban areas. As immigration from rural areas to cities continues, it is inevitable that the infrastructure in these cities will collapse. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? After end of previous century until now, people are motivated to live in the cities. This treatment of people has some problems for these cities, such as shortage of basic facilities for new arrivers. This essay tries to discuss about my agreement about this topic and express my opinion. In the first, by growing suddenly the population of people in one city, the infrastructure such as water, gas, sewerage, electricity cannot increase as the same rate as the grows of the population. So, outskirts will be appeared with low level of basic facilities. As we can see these days, around many big cities, a lot of areas are occupied by poor without any fundamental facilities. Also, these people need education and job, it should be provided more schools, universities, companies by municipal, which makes long time and process to produce the facilities for whole of people. Because education needs to hire teachers, professors and researchers and provide budget to support them. In addition, many big cities has to provide huge amount of budget for building new park, cinema and shopping centers, which cannot be available in the short period of time and managing the structure of city for extra population needs deep knowledge and design. In the summary, whole of my explanation shows that growing fast population of cities makes them creditably challenge to provide facilities as the same rate. The water, sewerage, electricity should be extend to avoid to face poor area around cities. Also, education cannot be easily provided for whole of people. In the end, design of more area for entertainment needs long time. Thanks a lot if you give me the total score of IELTS for this writing.
In the last twentieth century, the proportion of the world's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
living in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
has increased
substantially
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
moved
in ever growing numbers to urban
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
. As immigration from rural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
continues, it is inevitable that the infrastructure in these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
will collapse. To what extent do you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
or disagree with this statement?

After
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of previous century until
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are motivated
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
. This treatment of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
problems for these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
, such as shortage of basic facilities for new
Possible spelling mistake found.
arrivers
. This essay tries to
Did you mean simply "discuss my"? You do not need the word "about" here.
discuss about my
agreement about this topic and express my opinion.

In the
first
, by growing
suddenly
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in one city, the infrastructure such as water, gas, sewerage, electricity cannot increase as the same rate as the
The word 'grows' is a verb. Did you mean the noun "growth"?
grows
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, outskirts will
be appeared
with low level of basic facilities. As we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
these days, around
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
are occupied
by poor without any fundamental facilities.

Also
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
education and job, it should
be provided
more schools, universities,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
by municipal, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
long time and process to produce the facilities for whole of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
education
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
to hire teachers, professors and researchers and provide budget to support them.

In addition
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
provide huge amount of budget for building new park, cinema and shopping centers, which cannot be available in the short period of time and managing the structure of city for extra
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
deep knowledge and design.

In the summary, whole of my explanation
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that growing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them
creditably
challenge
Did you mean "providing"? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'challenge' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
to provide
facilities as the same rate. The water, sewerage, electricity should be
Consider using the past participle "extended"?
extend
to
The verb 'avoid' is used with the gerund form: "avoid facing".
avoid to face
poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
area
around
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
.
Also
, education cannot be
easily
provided for whole of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. In the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
, design of more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
area
for entertainment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
long time.

Thanks a lot if you give me the total score of IELTS for this writing.

IELTS essay In last 20 century the population city increases dramatically

Essay
  American English
7 paragraphs
339 words
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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