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In achieving personal happiness, our relationships with other people are more important than anything else. Issues such as work and wealth take second place. Argue in support of this claim.

In achieving personal happiness, our relationships with other people are more important than anything else. Issues such as work and wealth take second place. Argue in support of this claim. yA3M
The increasing pressures of a money-driven world can often cause people to gravitate toward material items; however, individuals cannot attain personal happiness through work, success and wealth. Although these things may be extras, many people believe that healthy relationships are the secrets to personal happiness. This essay will argue that relationships create happiness in peoples' lives, as such analyzing the lonely lives of celebrities and the experience of the elderly living alone. Firstly, the lives of wealthy celebrities often illustrate that money cannot buy happiness. For example, despite being fabulously wealthy, Robbie Williams and Kirsten Dunst suffered from clinical depression. As their experiences show, the link between money and true happiness appears not to be as strong as the link between loneliness and unhappiness. Hence, relationships between people are more important than money. Secondly, the advice from many older people regularly reiterates this. For instance, all four of my grandparents claim family and friends to be the things that brought them the greatest happiness in their lives. These sentiments are more among the elderly, and they realize this further as they become old in different cultures and countries. Thus, human relationships are much more likely to be precursors to personal happiness than money or careers. In conclusion, as seen above, wealth cannot buy true happiness, and this is a realization that often comes in old age. The relationships formed with family, friends and colleagues are the catalysts to lasting happiness. Therefore, the adage holds real: the more love a person gives, the more they get.
The increasing pressures of a money-driven world can
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
cause
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to gravitate toward material items;
however
, individuals cannot attain personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
through work, success and wealth. Although these things may be extras,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relationships
are the secrets to personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
. This essay will argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relationships
create
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
in peoples'
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
, as such analyzing the lonely
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
of celebrities and the experience of the elderly living alone.

Firstly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
of wealthy celebrities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
illustrate that money cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
.
For example
, despite being
fabulously
wealthy, Robbie Williams and Kirsten
Possible spelling mistake found.
Dunst
suffered from clinical depression. As their experiences
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
, the link between money and true
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
appears not to be as strong as the link between loneliness and unhappiness.
Hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relationships
between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than money.

Secondly
, the advice from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
regularly
reiterates this.
For instance
, all four of my grandparents claim family and friends to be the things that brought them the greatest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
. These sentiments are more among the elderly, and they realize this
further
as they become
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
cultures and countries.
Thus
, human
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relationships
are much more likely to be precursors to personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
than money or careers.

In conclusion
, as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
above, wealth cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
true
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
, and this is a realization that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
age. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relationships
formed with family, friends and colleagues are the catalysts to lasting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
.
Therefore
, the adage holds real: the more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
a person gives, the more they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
.

IELTS essay In achieving personal happiness, our relationships with other people are more important than anything else. Issues such as work and wealth take second place. Argue in support of this claim.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
255 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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