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If you had a chance, would you want to move to another place?

If you had a chance, would you want to move to another place? r1J12
I had a plan to leave my homeland but this does not mean that I am not passionate for this land, the simple reason is that I need a better environment to develop my career as well as have a chance to step off the safe areas of myself. I think I will move to major cities such as Da Nang, Ho Chi Minh… If I succeed I will try to persuade my parents to live with me because that is the opportunity for me to pay back the gratitude to my parents as well as live a better life. But, maybe I will come back to my homeland to create my own career or establish a charity organization which helps develop local socio-economic as well as enhance quality of life. That’s my dream.
I had a plan to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
my homeland
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
this does not mean that I am not passionate for this land, the simple reason is that I need a better environment to develop my career
as well
as have a chance to step off the safe areas of myself. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
to major cities such as
Possible spelling mistake found.
Da
Possible spelling mistake found.
Nang
, Ho Chi Minh… If I succeed I will try to persuade my parents to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
with me
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
that is
the opportunity for me to pay back the gratitude to my parents
as well
as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a better life.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, maybe I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
back to my homeland to create my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
career or establish a charity organization which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
develop local
Possible spelling mistake found.
socio-economic
as well
as enhance quality of life. That’s my dream.

IELTS essay If you had a chance, would you want to move to another place?

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
134 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
4.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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