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If a school was given more money should it be invested inorganising social activities for students after class hours or improve food at cafeteria Support with relevant reasons and examples v.1

If a school was given more money should it be invested inorganising social activities for students after class hours or improve food at cafeteria Support with relevant reasons and examples v. 1
The most important asset of a school lies in its students, and it is their responsibility to provide the best facilities to them. Personally, I believe that arranging social events for students after their class gets over will be a better use of money invested by the school. I feel this way for two main reasons, which I will explore in the following essay. First of all, when children engage in social activities, their connections widens and their friend circle expands. When we volunteer for any interactive workshop, we tend to meet new people, and can some times even make some permanent mates. Consequently, our communication skills expands, we even a have a better knowledge of human nature and we even make some life-time memories. My own experience is a compelling example of this. When I joined my University, I was always enthusiastic about taking parts in various events and fests and thus, I volunteered for one society called Rotaract club. I started working for it enthusiastically, and after seeing my work I was chosen as one of the heads in that community. I became very good at leading new groups, interacting with people and even started holding some workshops individually. I had totally become opposite of what I was in school, I was shy and would rarely volunteer for any event. The advantage is not only limited here but it extends to our future opportunities as well. Secondly, if we get involve in many interactive sessions, we have high chance of getting better job opportunities or to get admission in some excellent universities. Nowadays, companies prefer giving job to those fresher who have a well connected network and who have been an all-rounder along with their academics. In fact, some of the very big universities give weightage to those tasks that we have done for benefit of others. Being a member of communities, which are dedicated to social cause, can give weight to our resume. For instance, one of my friends was very desperate to get admission in an ivy League University. He was a member of AISEC, a society which aims at helping needy students all over the world, and this raised his chance of getting selected and he made it to Columbia University. In conclusion, I am of the opinion that investing money for students, so that they can take part in social activities will actually benefit the school. This is because it will help them to develop certain new skills and because, it will help them have a better career.
The most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
asset of a school lies in its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
, and it is their responsibility to provide the best facilities to them.
Personally
, I believe that arranging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
after their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
over will be a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of money invested by the school.

I feel this way for two main reasons, which I will explore in the following essay.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, when children engage in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
activities, their connections widens and their friend circle expands. When we volunteer for any interactive workshop, we tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, and can
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
times even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
permanent mates.
Consequently
, our communication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
expands, we even a have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
knowledge of human
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
nature and
we even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
life-time memories. My
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
experience is a compelling example of this. When I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
joined
my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
University
, I was always enthusiastic about taking parts in various
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
and fests and
thus
, I volunteered for one society called
Possible spelling mistake found.
Rotaract
club. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
working for it
enthusiastically
, and after seeing my work I
was chosen
as one of the heads in that community. I became
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
at leading new groups, interacting with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
holding
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
workshops
individually
.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
had
totally
become opposite of what I was in school, I was shy and would rarely volunteer for any
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
. The advantage is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
limited here
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it extends to our future opportunities
as well
.

Secondly
, if we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
involve in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
interactive sessions, we have high chance of getting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
job opportunities or to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
admission in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
excellent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
. Nowadays,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
prefer giving job to those fresher who have a
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well connected
network and who have been an all-rounder along with their academics. In fact,
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
give weightage to those tasks that we have done for benefit of others. Being a member of communities, which
are dedicated
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
cause, can give weight to our resume.
For instance
, one of my friends was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
desperate to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
admission in an ivy League
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
University
. He was a member of
Possible spelling mistake found.
AISEC
, a society which aims at helping needy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
all over the world, and this raised his chance of getting
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
selected and
he made it to Columbia University.

In conclusion
, I am of the opinion that investing money for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
activities will actually benefit the school. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to develop certain new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
career.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay If a school was given more money should it be invested inorganising social activities for students after class hours or improve food at cafeteria Support with relevant reasons and examples v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
424 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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